January 28, 2008

i have a new room and
it’s the color of the sky
on some summer days
i think this will be better for me
and in less than two months,
Micah will visit for the first time
and i can show him what life
is like through my eyes
these days.

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January 25, 2008

i miss you.
i can’t tell if it’s easier or harder
these days,
now that i know what it’s like
to be away from you
21 days
seems like i’m always counting down
part of me wishes i could be happy
away from you as well as
with
but another part of me
marvels
and how incomplete i feel
when i’m not in your presence.

January 24, 2008

roommate drama:
mine seems convinced
that it’s totally cool
for her gross hairy boyfriend
to sleep over every night.
i’m getting really frustrated,
i can’t wait to move out.
i feel like my personal space is being invaded.
my room is my space,
where i can be me
and relax
but it’s hard to relax
when there’s some creeper around
24/7
whose alarm wakes me up in the mornings.

January 21, 2008

come back.

January 19, 2008

i feel like a petulant child.

January 19, 2008

six months last night
that’s a little bit terrifying,
in its own way
Micah and i, we had a very nice dinner
went out
saw his brother’s play
i gave him the book i made;
it made me happy to see how much
he appreciated it.
he gave me a blown glass flower,
beautiful and blue.
i just need to think of a way to get it back to school safely.
it’s been so strange so far
because well
in my head i was just praying to make it
here, to break
and when i got here i put
myself on hold
i didn’t want to think about next semester.
but now
well he’s leaving on Monday
and i’m back on Tuesday
i can’t pretend this is going to last forever
anymore
as much as i wish i could
this is going to be hard, i know
even when i’ll be seeing him in
less than a month
i don’t want to lose this
every day with him
this drowsing asleep together
this sense of right
this everything
but i can hold on,
i know i can
because it’s only getting more right
and i’m finding out that he isn’t perfect
which only makes him more perfect
still
i don’t want to start packing.

January 3, 2008

tonight was paul’s birthday party.
not just paul’s – Alan’s too.
they had an Alan and (Ron) Paul Party
and i was invited about a week ago
i wasn’t sure;
should i go? 
and then i decided that i had to go for myself
and see him in real life
and look him in the eyes and know
that i’m okay now.
so i went with Meredith and Micah
and held my breath when we
walked in the door
when he met my eyes,
i started breathing again
because i didn’t feel like i’d been
punched in the stomach.
and all night, i was fine
i talked to him and looked at his
angled face, tangled hair
it meant nothing to me
and i could look at his hands without feeling them on me
and his mouth without tasting it
and driving Micah home
in the dark glow of my minivan
Micah slipped his hand into mine
and squeezed my fingers
in the front hall of his house
he handed me his father’s book
and kissed me on the tip of my nose
when i looked into his eyes, i realized
i couldn’t think of any other colors
so i kissed him back
and said “i love you”
knowing – i’ve always known,
i mean it.

January 1, 2008

happy new year’s.

this time i got a midnight kiss that meant something.