the small things

December 29, 2008

a very different tone in this post,
as one can expect when
time passes and problems are resolved

but here, late on a Sunday night
in the empty week between Christmas and
New Years
after spending the evening
lying with him
with a blanket pulled up over our heads
pretending to be sneaky children
playing beneath the covers
our giggles muffled by the down comforter
and his arms pulling me in tight
kisses on all of the skin he can reach
whispering about the night we made love for the first time
running my hands down the length of his back
and looking into his eyes of blue fractals
i am reminded yet again
of how much love there is in my life.

happy holidays

December 24, 2008

home,
lonely and hurting
and Micah’s family cares more about their
"game nights"
and "family events"
than they do about me, at home alone
so i lie here and try to think of things
that don’t remind me of how much my foot hurts
or how much i hate this selfish holiday
i find a certain irony:
a family that cares so much about service
about helping other people
on a holiday that’s all about
"spending time with the people you love"
won’t even let their 20 year old son
drive the mile to his girlfriend’s house
when she hurts so much she can’t see straight
because it’s "family time"
and he "needs to be there"
and i feel like i’m just a decoration;
maybe a distraction;
i’m only important so long as my needs
don’t interfer with his family’s
but when i ask for more,
for an exception to the rule
i become the selfish one for wanting him here
i’m made to feel guilty for being upset with his parents
for trying to act like i don’t exist
for brushing away my pain and sadness as if they didn’t matter
he keeps saying that i’m so important
that all he wants is to be here with me
but i don’t understand how you can say that
over and over again
and not make it happen;
if you want it, you make it work
and if it weren’t for these goddamn drugs
that leave me shaky, tired, and sad
i’d have driven myself over there in a heartbeat
because it matters to me
i feel like it doesn’t matter that much because
if it did he would be here;
if it did he would argue until he could make it work
because i don’t care what holiday it is,
i’m here and i’m in pain
and i just want someone to hold on to
because i haven’t felt this alone
in a long, long time
because i thought that i wasn’t alone;
but how do you live when there are conditions on your relationship?
"i’ll be there for you – as long as it’s okay with my parents"?

i do not feel very important
in fact i feel very very insignificant
it scares me because i’m terrified of losing him
but i can’t be in a relationship where i feel like this again
and we talked for hours last night,
trying to resolve things
but i don’t know if anything is going to change
or if he even really wants it to
and in the mean time it’s snowing outside,
yet again – on top of the 3 feet already on the ground
beautiful white snow
i wish i could use handfuls of it to rinse the tears off my face
but i can’t even get outside by myself.

December 17, 2008

two down, two to go
i hate my mediocrity
i want to be home.

December 15, 2008

more procrastination:
2 years ago tonight
(not quite exactly, just
"general time scheme")
i was accepted into MIT
my how time flies
and how quickly our naive beliefs
can fall apart.

December 15, 2008

this afternoon of studying has led me to one conclusion:
my last exam finishes at 4:30 pm on Thursday
by 5:30 pm, i intend on being absolutely
and quite thorougly
drunk.

here’s to high achievements.

December 15, 2008

notice how time moves differently
when it comes down to the crunch?
minutes dripping past painfully slow
only to find that the hours have disappeared
in an instant
when next i look up.
this is my last chance to breathe;
tomorrow my exams begin and
i will spend (literally) 16 hours of the day
bent over my notes or a test
until Thursday, 4:30
i’m struggling not to panic;
not working out so well, considering
the meltdown i had last night
and well, it’s just difficult
to accept that i am not the
"smart girl" anymore;
i am proud of myself if i score above
average – a far stretch from
valedictorian.
even scoring above average doesn’t feel so good
when average is near 55%
i just need to keep my head on straight
and my thoughts focused
this is the third time i’ve done this;
it’s harder now than it was before,
but i can do it
it just gets harder and harder
as each day passes
but each day slows exponentially
so it seems that Saturday
(5 days away)
is about a year from now
and i have mountains to climb to get there
until i fly out in the dark of a December morning
and wake up at home.

December 11, 2008

now it’s only 8 days
here in Boston,
it’s been raining for 48 hours
out my window,
the lights look as if i were crying
eyes cluttered up with tears
the sun never really rose today
and campus lit up with
bright umbrella rainbows
it’s raining harder than ever now
i can hear it on the pavement
my eyes are tired
i don’t really want to study;
i’d rather be home,
even though i’ll be on crutches
i’m looking forward to it so much
long lazy days, curled up
warm in bed
watching movies and playing
Scrabble and
listening to Micah reading aloud

4 exams
3 days
all i can think about is
walking in the snow.

December 8, 2008

12 days 12 days 12 days
it’s really all i can think about
in spite of
1 paper
4 classes
4 exams

i just can’t wait to be home.

December 7, 2008

"Paintings that matter are like the bedsheet indentations of someone who has left, or the glow a bright light leaves on the eye after you’ve turned away, or a letter that arrives after its author has died.  It would be wrong to call this nostalgia.  It’s something else, which also has to do with remembering.  Paintings that matter are phantom limbs.  They are the lingering sensations of things that the world has amputated from us: childhood wonder, the exhilaration of first love, the curiosity and terror of inexperience.  And it’s painful."
– Jonathan Safran Foer

December 7, 2008

the first snow in Boston:
sky’s white and grey
my toes are cold
and i can’t wait to walk to the
drug store
so i can feel the flakes on my face.