August 22, 2008

here in Boston
the night is rather cool
God i’m so tired
(2 1/2 hours of sleep last night and still going strong)
i feel a little numb and also
i feel the excitement of this year;
i’m glad it’s here.
i miss Micah terribly
(i know you’ve read this a million times,
i’m sorry to bore you,
but really i suppose i have no need to apologize…
it is my journal, after all)
i do miss him so much
surprisingly, it’s much easier
i cried so much last night
and even all of last week
and of course i’ll cry again
but i’m content
and meeting new freshmen
and accepting the idea that my second quarter of college is about to begin.

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August 22, 2008

i just kissed him goodbye for the last time this summer
and had to watch him walk away again
i know i know i know that i’m seeing him
again so soon
but somehow i can’t convince myself
and i hurt through and through and through
so much that i just want to curl into myself quietly
and not move for a very long time
i can feel his hands, his lips, his eyes
on all of me, still here and i can
taste him on my skin
i guess i’ll just hold onto my memories
and wait until we’re together again
i can do this.
i know i can.

August 19, 2008

it’s late late at night;
i’ve just come home from dropping Micah off at home
and for the first time it’s hit me:
my brother is gone
he’s off in San Diego for his 13 weeks of boot camp
training to be a Marine
because, you see,
whenever i’m home late
there’s always at least the light under his door
somehow it always made me feel obscurely happy
knowing that he was still awake, too
but now he’s not here
and i’m scared for him
because i know that he’s doing what he wants
but the possibilities are endless
and so is the danger.

August 18, 2008

i’m still here and my days are falling away
and already i hurt like there’s cut glass inside me
because i’m afraid to be alone again

August 16, 2008

my life is unraveling.
these days are too short.

August 13, 2008

it’s gotten colder here in the mornings;
i woke up today burrowed beneath my
down comforter, and it almost
kind of smells like fall
(already in mid-august?)
and there’s only – 9
(i just counted)
days until i leave for Boston
and there’s a sick feeling in my stomach
i love my school
i do (do i?)
it’s just that i ache
(i don’t mean that figuratively;
it physically hurts me to think of it)
i ache at the idea of being away from him again.
three months ago, i said
“we’ve made it through a year, no problem!”
and now i’ve been thinking,
“we still have three left to go…please God.”
my classes are going to be very difficult
and i’ll be very busy
(school, job, a cappella)
we won’t talk as much as we did last year
which is fine – no really!
i know we’ll be all right.
it’s just that…
i can’t help remembering those nights
alone in my bed, with his voice on the phone
and every inch of me screaming with
want of having him in my arms.

i know i haven’t written much at all
but this summer has been beautiful;
i’ve been so busy
working all the time (weekdays 7 – 5)
and in the evenings, coffee with my friends
(the ones who never change)
and dinner with my family
and lying on my bed with him,
tracing the line of his chest with my fingers
nights when he holds me close
runs his hands down my back
and sings to me, a song he’s making up as he goes.

i know it will be all right
i know it – but somehow i wish this were easier
that the hurting could go away
i know it won’t, and it can’t
not now, not for another three years
i just have to remember –
every day closer.
my life is beautiful,
even with the things i find difficult
and i know that the time apart
will be absolutely worth it
just for the way his eyes light up at me in the airport.

August 13, 2008

it’s gotten colder here in the mornings;
i woke up today burrowed beneath my
down comforter, and it almost
kind of smells like fall
(already in mid-august?)
and there’s only – 9
(i just counted)
days until i leave for Boston
and there’s a sick feeling in my stomach
i love my school
i do (do i?)
it’s just that i ache
(i don’t mean that figuratively;
it physically hurts me to think of it)
i ache at the idea of being away from him again.
three months ago, i said
“we’ve made it through a year, no problem!”
and now i’ve been thinking,
“we still have three left to go…please God.”
my classes are going to be very difficult
and i’ll be very busy
(school, job, a cappella)
we won’t talk as much as we did last year
which is fine – no really!
i know we’ll be all right.
it’s just that…
i can’t help remembering those nights
alone in my bed, with his voice on the phone
and every inch of me screaming with
want of having him in my arms.

i know i haven’t written much at all
but this summer has been beautiful;
i’ve been so busy
working all the time (weekdays 7 – 5)
and in the evenings, coffee with my friends
(the ones who never change)
and dinner with my family
and lying on my bed with him,
tracing the line of his chest with my fingers
nights when he holds me close
runs his hands down my back
and sings to me, a song he’s making up as he goes.

i know it will be all right
i know it – but somehow i wish this were easier
that the hurting could go away
i know it won’t, and it can’t
not now, not for another three years
i just have to remember –
every day closer.
my life is beautiful,
even with the things i find difficult
and i know that the time apart
will be absolutely worth it
just for the way his eyes light up at me in the airport.

August 9, 2008

i don’t miss my past,
or the people from it
and even though i have questions
and angry words
and even a few punches i’d like to throw

mostly,
i’m just happy with my life the way it is now
and i’m so glad that i learned from my hurt
how to love.