hello again

August 15, 2010

walk tonight,
there’s a breath of autumn
on the breeze in my hair
long now, longer than ever
tickling my shoulders as it moves.
here i am, in this little town
of mine, summer’s ending
there – and there again,
the familiar tugging in my chest
as i try to pull away from
the inevitable:
goodbye is coming again.
strings wrapped around me
i can feel life twisting me up
adulthood; what does that
even mean?
i’m seeking refuge in my
nostalgia; a weekend in
Lakeside, a late night walk
wondering if the others i have
loved, still wonder about me.
just learned David is married –
just watched Micah’s brother
(yes, the other one) get married
my turn is coming up fast
so exhilarating, so terrifying
so – grown up.
two years ago i was ready for this,
to be an adult and start my life
but now i’m backpedaling
furiously, how can i already decide?
how can i be me – who am i really?
i guess let’s just focus on the
little things –
let’s get through this goodbye
because it’s the last goodbye
like it
we’ll ever have.

August 22, 2009

i ache, oh, every part of me aches
he just left my house
pressing sticky salty kisses to my lips
as moths batter themselves on the glass
of my front door and the streetlights
flash and flash and flash
what i would give (anything
almost anything) to have stopped time,
to have stopped the tears that
wouldn’t stop until there were no more
left to cry.  my head hurts
my nose is running.  i want to fall asleep
and wake up in a few years or so.

August 13, 2009

there it is again;
i can feel it behind my eyelids,
in my throat and in my hands
convulsively closing on –
what?  air, the lining of my pocket
the arm of a chair or
Micah’s fingers, holding on –
to what?  summer time:
late nights and softly whirring fans,
walks on the pier, Alterra coffee
gentle kisses on my shoulder blade
falling asleep all tangled up
i’m still trying to hold on, even as
summer’s slipping away,
even as Micah finishes work
begins to pack
prepares to leave
there’s that prickling, again
my eyes trying to fill with tears
for what?  i’m not losing anything
am i?  he’s still mine, this city is still mine
i ache for my childhood, and certainty
the knowledge that there is no
greater concern than what flavor of
popsicle is available to me.
i want to roll myself up into a ball
and hide my head from growing up
from letting go
(again, and again, and again –
i’m always letting go, or trying to)
this deep melancholy encompasses
much more than the end of summer;
i know that
but i can’t help it, the breaking point
is knowing he’ll be gone in 8 days
i’m blinking, swallowing hard
smiling
because the only reason i’m sad
is that i’m so damn happy,
after all.

August 7, 2009

this afternoon, i sat on the
screen porch at Braeburn
watching the rain drip off the eaves
reading a good book
that reminded me of high school
Micah was reading beside me,
until head nodding, leaning on my shoulder
his hands giving those funny little
jumps, like always, he fell asleep.
i listened to the rain on the roof
remember being little, watching
waiting for the sun
so we could swim and play
and remember David, in out of the rain
dashing past him into the downpour
feeling it on my skin and face and hair
Micah slept, a reassuring warm weight.
yesterday we canoed the river
sunlight and clouds, the whole world
open above and the riverbed
in ripples below
and camped out on a sand bar
not far from home, built a fire
cooked our own dinner
and as the sun set, we lay together in
our tiny tent, reading together
and fell asleep side by side
we didn’t have to think about
school, or work, or our futures
we could just
stare into the fire, slapping mosquitos,
watching the river slip past
and when we were tired,
we turned off our lamps and went to sleep.
it was a beautiful week of vacation;
i’m sad it’s over –
especially when i remember that
2 weeks from now is the last time
i’ll see him until October;
8 weeks apart (we’ve done this,
we have, it’s not so hard, i know, i know)
already i feel the tears in me
the unfairness eats me up, and life isn’t fair
the world isn’t fair, and aren’t i a lucky girl?
this summer has been up and down
and gone by much too quickly
i don’t want to say goodbye again.

July 25, 2009

fought with Micah yesterday.
a big fight.  maybe the biggest.
and it started for a dumb reason,
but turned into a fight about
a lot of big things –
some things i didn’t even know
were a problem.
and for a few hours, i thought —
that’s it; we’re done.
because he was being block-headed,
and i was being block-headed
and a lot of things were said
that were really pretty mean
we are so different in some things
some important things
i love him more than i knew i could
but i don’t know how this will go
i feel like i’m always waiting for him –
to call, to text, to visit
even when we’re 1200 miles apart
my days are planned around him
and i want to do everything with him
so much that if he doesn’t want to
do something, neither do i (anymore).
i’m terrified that i feel so dependent
no, that’s not the right word;
i’m terrified that i feel so attached.
sometimes i wonder if i’m losing sight
of myself.
and – don’t think i’m a bad person –
but i miss meeting new people, and flirting
and dating, and i keep thinking
“we still have two years apart”
and there’s this little fear in my mind
because he keeps saying that
“after college, it will get better,
we can be the way we want to be”
with no arguments from his parents.
but what if that’s not how it is?
what if i get to the end of college,
four years of a long distance relationship
four years of sex with one person,
of missing out on parties and dances
and it isn’t any better?
maybe we’re just in two separate relationships
and the way i thought things were,
isn’t.
i don’t know.  i don’t want to question so much
but i don’t think love alone is enough.
i want to spend the rest of my life with him –
but maybe the person i want to spend my life with
isn’t him.

July 19, 2009

already quit my shitty job;
i’m sorry, but
9 hour shifts with
no break and no food
for only $50 a shift
is not quite worth my time –
i’d rather scrimp this fall
and enjoy my last few weeks of
summer; last few weeks already,
already so close to the end
two years ago yesterday
was our first kiss
on the couch in my basement
the couch is long gone,
but the kisses are still here
at least when we’re in the same state.
it’s hard to put into words
the way that thinking about fall
makes me feel; sad, yes, and excited
and angry and happy and all sorts of things
amazed, mostly –
it’s been more than two years,
past the halfway point of my
undergraduate education
so much to do and so much to decide
and keeping my fingers crossed, always
that in the end, we’re together
i’m trying not to think about it too hard
in the meantime,
it is summer –
we are spending our nights sprawled
across my bed, laughing
watching movies, visiting Alterra
walking by the lakefront,
mini-road trips, dinners at home
i still don’t want to grow up;
this is still too much fun.

July 15, 2009

been drinking
a lot, red red wine
the world swirling around
plastic wine glasses
and the cool breeze, remembering
paul and david and
insecurities long past
work sucked today;
the lab was fine, but at
the restaurant, for $2.50 an hour
i hauled boxes, ran food, ran drinks,
and made $6 in tips in 4 hours.
bullshit.
Micah’s in St. Louis;
they’re recording this week
it seems like he’s been gone for ages,
even though he just left Sunday
i just miss him, i want
a hug and maybe a kiss and
possibly even somewhere to lay my
tipsy head, my mouth tastes like
pinot noir and i’m wishing for arms
around me, wishing for things
i thought i’d stopped wishing for.