’tis the season

November 28, 2008

i am devastated.
we brought up the Christmas decorations
today, we started to
put up the tree
and when my mother took the lid
off of one of the boxes,
we discovered the hard way
that it had a crack in the bottom
the floods this summer
weren’t merciful;
everything in the box was
destroyed
and the worst of the worst
in a falling-apart, mildewed package
with a washed out card
in my long-dead grandmother’s handwriting
we found what was left of
a cloth nativity set, a gift when
i was too young to stand
ruined
it’s not the nativity; i’ve never been much
for religion anyway
it’s that those little cloth figures
where what i had left of my grandma
every year, taking out the box
and setting it up under the Christmas tree
and moving the wise men a bit closer each day
knowing that someday
my children would play with it, too
small damp fingers curled around
a sleeping Jesus, a beautiful Mary, a protective Joseph
i couldn’t stop myself from crying
even though they’re only figures,
only material things
it still hurts.

edit:
i just found the pattern and the fabric on ebay
so i’m trying to buy them;
i think in its own way, stitching up
the figures myself
will make up for the loss
perhaps i can even
add my own special card
to a brand new box
and my grandmother’s gift will live on.

home is where the heart is

November 26, 2008

and here is where my heart is:

everything i am thankful for
is in this photograph;
all of the small, beautiful
things that are present in my life
and the incredible people
who are there for me
and this wonderful world that i live in
and this perfect boy
with his blue-blue-grey eyes
and eyelashes-too-long
who pulls me against him late at night
so our bodies fit together like two perfect spoons
and kisses the back of my neck
with sleepy-soft lips
who reaches around me
and wraps his hand around mine,
presses it against my heart,
and whispers that
he loves me.

singing love songs

November 23, 2008

i was right;
he did kiss my hands
and many other places,
besides
this weekend was a whirlwind
the concert went well! 
my voice was very tired before
the show even started, but
i thought that Fidelity went very well
and Shut Up and Drive wasn’t awful.
i tried not to be stressed all weekend,
which was hard
considering that BNS got in 3
hours late and then
there was a lot of complaining
and disorganization
but it all worked out, in the end
and there were some beautiful moments –
like sitting next to Micah at the Italian restaurant
and talking with his friends
and seeing my friends all cheering for me
from the audience, and hearing
"you stole the show" and knowing that
they really do care about me
kissing Micah goodbye
just outside of the T station, as they
all got ready to leave and knowing that
it’s only 4 days until i see him again,
because this time i am incredibly lucky
and we’ll both be home, home, home
in just a few days
so while i am quite exhausted
and pretty glad that i’m not responsible for
11 boys anymore,
life is still looking pretty good.

a few photos from the concert

November 18, 2008

restless
it’s dark too early and
it’s gotten so cold so
suddenly;
my hands ache with it
and i am somewhat reminded
of those long ago nights
not so terrible, though;
i don’t feel sad
just anxious
Micah will be here in 2 1/2 days
and i just can’t wait
i know that he’ll take
my hands in his
(only just larger than mine,
with big knuckles)
and cup them together
blowing his warm breath on
my skin to soothe me
kissing the lines on my palm
and wrist
oh, i can’t wait
first:
3 more rehearsals
(two solos – oh goodness!
i feel like a rock star)
1 rough draft
1 p-set
cleaning
laundry
advertising
baking a cake!
not so bad – it’s almost
Wednesday already
the weekend is almost here!

November 18, 2008

smells like snow tonight

November 13, 2008

the response on that last entry
was almost overwhelming;
i’m new to this
"having livejournal friends"
game.
thank you for your well-wishes –
there’s a lot of work to be done
before the performance next week,
but i have faith that things will work out
it’s just going to be a bit
well, all right, very
stressful
that’s all right;
it will be worth it in the end.
a lot of music to learn, and
publicity to organize (i’m publicity chair)
and homework to finish
Micah arrives on Friday at noon,
along with his entire acappella group –
they are our guest performers for the show,
so i will have 11 boys (one of them is mine)
to keep entertained for 3 days
they’re all very fun, thoughtful guys
so we’ll have a great weekend,
i’m sure.
i won’t lie, though –
i’m most looking forward to that time
late on Friday night,
8 days from now
when everyone else has gone away
and Micah and i can lock my door
strip down to our nothing/everything
and relearn all of the curves and angles.

in other news:
my brother is a Marine now
really, officially
he passed all of the tests and all of the training
and in two days he flies home to Milwaukee for two weeks
to spend with friends and family
then it’s off to more training –
and then?
who knows.
i’m trying not to think about it too hard;
after all, we’re still in the middle of a war
or two
but,
i am so proud of him
for reaching this goal – it’s something
he’s wanted for a long time
so, i am happy for him
and i am happy that he sees brightness
in his future;
he has grown up a lot
and now he’s going somewhere
just like anyone else.

and it breaks my heart

November 12, 2008

so this is pretty exciting:
some of you know that i’m in
an acappella group here on campus
and well last night
we had auditions for solos
and i got the solo that i really wanted!
it’s for this song:

it’s one of my favorite songs in the world
and the lyrics remind me
a little bit of myself
so i’m quite excited to get to sing it
in our concert in 9 days
and the best part is,
Micah will be here –
so he’ll get to hear me sing it for him.

be still my heart

November 11, 2008

i’m not studying hard enough
even though i have a test tomorrow morning
because i’m more nervous about
the solo auditions at rehearsal tonight
which is quite silly, actually
as it’s unlikely i will get the solo
and my test grade is probably a much
more important thing to think about.
i feel lonely.
these last few days have been harder than usual,
i don’t know why
but i am craving his touch
i wish that i could separate my
emotions from my work,
so that i could just stop thinking about
things until after my test
11 days
very few, but still too many
when i’m feeling like this
Lindsay reappeared in our lives yesterday
after nearly a year of invisibility;
for those of you who haven’t heard,
she was Micah’s best friend during their senior year
and when we started dating, she threw fits
and screamed at him, hated me
and finally admitted that she was in love with him
he chose me anyway, and wanted
to keep her friendship
but she was hurtful, and selfish, and shallow
it only took Micah a semester to realize
that he deserved much better than what she offered
no, he didn’t send her away – he just let her go
and last night, by accident, she instant messaged me
we talked about him, and what happened between them
i wanted to tell her to go away and never bother him again
because he was worth so much more
than she could ever show him
she wants him back in her life; she says that she’s changed
she knows now what she lost.
i’m not sure if i believe her –
but it doesn’t really matter.
it’s not my decision to make.
i know that whatever happens, Micah is mine now;
i don’t mean that to sound egotistical,
but it’s true in its own way.
he’s bound to me, emotionally and physically –
i know him as she never has and never will
so i’m not afraid,
more just unsure about whether or not
i’m willing to forgive and forget.
what is it this week?
demons of the past all reappearing
people i thought i had banished from
my head forever,
suddenly wanting back into my life.
i don’t miss the past –
i don’t miss the way things were
today is perfect for me, in most ways
and the future is even better.
there isn’t really any point in all of this;
just procrastinating, really.

November 5, 2008

something else:
i was talking to Micah
about this recent election
we were talking about the
amendments that passed, including
a law in Washington that will allow for
doctor assisted suicide. 
i said that i thought people should have the right;
i wouldn’t want to watch
my family watching me die
he said that he wouldn’t want to go
before he had to, because
he wanted to spend every second he had
with me
and i am realizing again
again, again
(will i ever say it enough?
i don’t think it’s possible)
i
am
so
lucky
because he loves me
more than i ever knew i could
ever be loved
and i know we are both young,
and we are so far apart
but i can hear it in his voice
every time he says it
how much he really means
"i love you"
and i know that he would
give me the moon if i asked him for it
because
he looks at me
inside and out
and sees
who i am
and well, really, it’s just that
when he says those words
i can see our lives ahead of us
and the future is so bright

here it goes again

November 5, 2008

somehow i expected this;
yet again, somehow i didn’t
after a year and a half of
pretending i didn’t exist
suddenly he’s back
in my life; the third time
this time
i want him to turn around and
walk back out
yet at the same time i want
answers
i want to know why he lied
to me, why she was so much
better,
why he never looked at me,
only past me
and why that night, oh it’s so
long ago, now, but i still remember
how my phone rang and woke me up
and he told me that he loved me
but the next day texted to say
"i was drunk, i
don’t remember anything"
and that was how it felt:
as if he couldn’t remember
anything
like it had never happened
well
i don’t miss him;
i promise, i’m not fooling myself
because how could i miss that time
in my life?
how could i miss those nights alone
with cigarettes and dirty snow
walking to, from, away, anywhere
because i didn’t know anything
and i don’t miss
being in love for the sake
of hiding my loneliness
no i don’t miss him;
my life is beautiful, because of
my friends and my family
my school
and my love
who has shown me that
yes, there is someone who
deserves all of the love i have to give;
and yes, there is someone
who wants to give it all back

it’s just that
i would just like to know –
did you really love me?
or did you just say it,
because you didn’t know what else to say?
do you miss me?
do you wish you hadn’t left?
show me that it’s not my fault
because
well of course i know that it’s not
but i want you to prove it.