July 27, 2009

(here it is then:)
((i have a deep, dark confession))
it’s raining outside tonight
smells like summer time and
nostalgia, like cement and
sticking grass blades and
running barefoot and damp t-shirts.
(i’ve missed this)
((i miss having this with you))
(((i still miss you)))
i went for a walk by myself,
alone/but not alone
and remembering as always
blues skies on the ceiling of my bathroom
floating, walking, running
cigarette smoke swirling and twirling
dragon’s breath.
razor blades and nicks on my knee
i want to walk all night
tonight like it will never end
circles in this old town of mine,
with my head in clouds
of memories and misty street lights
the rain falling on my skin
seemed warm until it touched me;
it raised goosebumps where it fell,
pale and shivering
and walking alone
i never knew i could feel so old
and so naive at once.
(and here’s my secret:)
((i don’t love you anymore))
(((but i miss walking with you)))
((((and sometimes))))
(((((i still walk the streets)))))
((((((hoping to run into you))))))

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July 25, 2009

fought with Micah yesterday.
a big fight.  maybe the biggest.
and it started for a dumb reason,
but turned into a fight about
a lot of big things –
some things i didn’t even know
were a problem.
and for a few hours, i thought —
that’s it; we’re done.
because he was being block-headed,
and i was being block-headed
and a lot of things were said
that were really pretty mean
we are so different in some things
some important things
i love him more than i knew i could
but i don’t know how this will go
i feel like i’m always waiting for him –
to call, to text, to visit
even when we’re 1200 miles apart
my days are planned around him
and i want to do everything with him
so much that if he doesn’t want to
do something, neither do i (anymore).
i’m terrified that i feel so dependent
no, that’s not the right word;
i’m terrified that i feel so attached.
sometimes i wonder if i’m losing sight
of myself.
and – don’t think i’m a bad person –
but i miss meeting new people, and flirting
and dating, and i keep thinking
“we still have two years apart”
and there’s this little fear in my mind
because he keeps saying that
“after college, it will get better,
we can be the way we want to be”
with no arguments from his parents.
but what if that’s not how it is?
what if i get to the end of college,
four years of a long distance relationship
four years of sex with one person,
of missing out on parties and dances
and it isn’t any better?
maybe we’re just in two separate relationships
and the way i thought things were,
isn’t.
i don’t know.  i don’t want to question so much
but i don’t think love alone is enough.
i want to spend the rest of my life with him –
but maybe the person i want to spend my life with
isn’t him.

July 19, 2009

already quit my shitty job;
i’m sorry, but
9 hour shifts with
no break and no food
for only $50 a shift
is not quite worth my time –
i’d rather scrimp this fall
and enjoy my last few weeks of
summer; last few weeks already,
already so close to the end
two years ago yesterday
was our first kiss
on the couch in my basement
the couch is long gone,
but the kisses are still here
at least when we’re in the same state.
it’s hard to put into words
the way that thinking about fall
makes me feel; sad, yes, and excited
and angry and happy and all sorts of things
amazed, mostly –
it’s been more than two years,
past the halfway point of my
undergraduate education
so much to do and so much to decide
and keeping my fingers crossed, always
that in the end, we’re together
i’m trying not to think about it too hard
in the meantime,
it is summer –
we are spending our nights sprawled
across my bed, laughing
watching movies, visiting Alterra
walking by the lakefront,
mini-road trips, dinners at home
i still don’t want to grow up;
this is still too much fun.

July 15, 2009

been drinking
a lot, red red wine
the world swirling around
plastic wine glasses
and the cool breeze, remembering
paul and david and
insecurities long past
work sucked today;
the lab was fine, but at
the restaurant, for $2.50 an hour
i hauled boxes, ran food, ran drinks,
and made $6 in tips in 4 hours.
bullshit.
Micah’s in St. Louis;
they’re recording this week
it seems like he’s been gone for ages,
even though he just left Sunday
i just miss him, i want
a hug and maybe a kiss and
possibly even somewhere to lay my
tipsy head, my mouth tastes like
pinot noir and i’m wishing for arms
around me, wishing for things
i thought i’d stopped wishing for.

July 3, 2009

here is what i wrote
two years ago last night:
"was that a date?"
and it was, as it turns out
watching the first Transformers movie
(for free!) and sitting at
Starbucks, talking, talking, talking
until it was time to go home
two years ago,
when i was insecure and
ready to run away
still hurting from paul
and along came this boy
with bright blue eyes that
crinkle when he smiles,
and a silly little laugh
with skinny wrists and knobbled hands
who taught me what it really means
to be in love.
last night we went to Summerfest
and danced on the benches at Guster
with his arms around my waist
pressing kisses against my ear
two years already
i can say without blinking
that they have been the best of my life
and we’ve got our differences,
passed the "honeymoon" period
and had fights and annoyances
but because of that,
he knows exactly who i am
and chooses to love me anyway.
i can’t think of any better reason
to be with someone.
so two years have passed,
and i am looking forward
to the next two, and the next two
and the rest of our lives
because i can’t wait to see where we go.