if i lay here

August 29, 2007

ups and downs these days.
lying on a roof top high above the city and there’s the skyline all along the edge of the world, and past it’s the ocean i know (first time i’ve ever lived by the ocean) and covered in dirt and out here
not quite free not quite
alone
i miss being held, i always do and
when you’re out here on your own, it’s
not so easy
to find that comfort.
but at least tonight i had my first real hug since i left home, and
well it felt nice
and gives me some hope.

i also looked at ticket prices
here to St. Louis $228
St. Louis to here $219
it doesn’t make it any easier
because then i just keep hoping and hoping
and who said there’s anything wrong with that?

i can’t wait until i move into my actual room
because the people here said they want me to stay
i’ll be done moving on Thursday at long last and
i’ll be able to settle in,
like i’ve always wanted

missing you very much.

and Micah, why can’t you transfer to BC?  then i could see you
all (or most) of the time
and then i wouldn’t be so afraid of what’s happening to us
or what will happen, regardless
you know, it’s tough when you keep loving people

and well
i guess i’ll just try to hold on to what i have
and take what i can keep getting

this isn’t easier,
but i don’t think it will get much harder
each day is a little farther from before
a little closer to then
and i’ll be home soon,
whatever i mean by that.

August 27, 2007

he’s already slipping away.

God, that hurts.

well i’m here
home of the Red Sox
kind of scary yes,
but i’m here and i’m alive
and well, hey.

i can do this.

because i’m learning what i want.

ce qui sera, sera.

Micah i miss you, i love you.

friends, i miss you and love you, too.

i’ll be home before any of us knows it.

countdown

August 14, 2007

today i faced a fear i didn’t realize i had:
the terror of have my reality denied again.
Micah and i were at Braeburn and half-asleep on the bed and
suddenly i was strangling on this thought this
what if he does it to me to?
what if he
goes away and tries to be pretend
i don’t exist?
i could breathe, i just
cried and kept crying and
poor Micah, his hands on my
face, my shoulders, my waist
“hey, hey,” he said, “hey, it’s okay,
hey, what’s wrong?”
trying to keep up with the tears
running
“talk to me, come on,” he said
i told him and he took my face
in his hands
blue eyes, blue blue blue
“i am not David,” he said
“i can’t pretend that this never happened.
don’t be afraid of me.”
i couldn’t stop crying
“even if we change,
i won’t leave you in the dust”
he said
and i pray to God
he’s telling the truth.

and i always wanted to meet someone like him someday
but when i did it was supposed to be for real
and supposed to be permanent
because i wasn’t supposed to fall in love again
with someone i didn’t stand a chance at keeping.
isn’t that the killer?

what a punchline.

not again.

August 8, 2007

you weren’t supposed to mean this much

this isn’t done yet.

August 6, 2007

it’s happening
anyway, when i 
well
i told myself 
i wouldn’t, no
knowing,
but…see, that night
i felt a quiet
happiness, i realized
for the first time in
my life, i could see
me and him
further than tomorrow.
propped up on his
elbow beside me, chin in hand
blueblack eyes at night and
one hand
tracing my cheekbone
a funny half
smile (his grin is
like a boy’s)
“you make me feel
beautiful,” i tell him
(or rather i whisper
half-asleep)
“you are everything i could ask for,”
he breathes in
my ear
i look at him and 
God, he is so beautiful

near the end.

August 2, 2007

see, it’s hard not knowing
and, see,
well i don’t really know what
i want
these days but 
i know that i miss
you but
there are other
people i miss too
and i would like it 
very much, of course
if you called me
maybe once before 
you
go away
still i think it’s better
this way, when i’m not
seeing you. please
just promise me this:
don’t forget –
i think
no, actually, i’m quite
certain of it,
my greatest fear:
it’s to be forgotten
so if you would,
think of me (every
once in a while)

and in the meantime, well
there’s this fellow;
he calls me 
by my middle name, i think
it’s sweet of him and the
way he looks at
me, i can see it in those
bluegreysilverindigo eyes
like he’s actually –
happy, you know, happy
that i’m there to be happy 
with him.  

see, here’s the problem:
i am leaving here
(oh God in only two weeks)
new place new face new world
yes yes i asked for it but
i don’t know if 
i want it
anymore.
he is going away too, and
what does this mean
to us (to me)?
i can’t
fall in love again
i know that i’m not but
it would be so easy
with him, do you understand?

see, it’s like this:
it’s always like this:
i wish 
always
that i could cut time right
through, just at that moment
when
he’s looking at me
and his face –
oh!
his face is saying to me:
you
are
beautiful.