May 23, 2009

campus is empty
it grew cold and grey today
and i have packed my life away
into a corner of the storage room
and three bags to take home with me
i met some friends for dinner last night
and walked across the bridge at
sunset, loving the way the heat and
haze made the city glitter
as the sky turned red and purple
my cab will be here in 10 minutes
and i’ll be on my way.

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May 21, 2009

it is a delightfully hot and sunny day outside
the kind that makes you want to sit in the shade
all afternoon, wearing cotton skirts
and maybe drinking some lemonade.
i had my last exam this morning;
it was very hard, and far too long,
but it’s over now.
i’ll be home in 48 hours,
finally finally.
you’ve missed some things in these last
few days; last Monday night, while i was
waiting for rehearsal to begin, my father
called me and told me that my mom was
in the hospital. 
she’s all right now, but it was a scary couple
of days.  she had a perforated ulcer,
needed emergency surgery, a week in the
hospital…all of that fun stuff.
she’s home, resting for a few weeks
healing before she can go back to work.
i got a part time job for the summer –
i’ll be working in a lab, doing
research on corticosteroids in rats.
if you have no idea what that means, don’t worry.
i’m just excited because it will be fun for me.
Micah’s job hunting as i write –
he’s been home for a week already,
spending time with family and friends
i’m going crazy wanting to be back. 
i can’t believe (truly, i CAN’T)
that i’m halfway done with MIT – where is my time going?
it’s been two years already, and only
two more to go.  before another
God knows how many….hurray for med school!
3 1/2 hours of sleep have left me somewhat
incoherent. 

May 21, 2009

it is a delightfully hot and sunny day outside
the kind that makes you want to sit in the shade
all afternoon, wearing cotton skirts
and maybe drinking some lemonade.
i had my last exam this morning;
it was very hard, and far too long,
but it’s over now.
i’ll be home in 48 hours,
finally finally.
you’ve missed some things in these last
few days; last Monday night, while i was
waiting for rehearsal to begin, my father
called me and told me that my mom was
in the hospital. 
she’s all right now, but it was a scary couple
of days.  she had a perforated ulcer,
needed emergency surgery, a week in the
hospital…all of that fun stuff.
she’s home, resting for a few weeks
healing before she can go back to work.
i got a part time job for the summer –
i’ll be working in a lab, doing
research on corticosteroids in rats.
if you have no idea what that means, don’t worry.
i’m just excited because it will be fun for me.
Micah’s job hunting as i write –
he’s been home for a week already,
spending time with family and friends
i’m going crazy wanting to be back. 
i can’t believe (truly, i CAN’T)
that i’m halfway done with MIT – where is my time going?
it’s been two years already, and only
two more to go.  before another
God knows how many….hurray for med school!
3 1/2 hours of sleep have left me somewhat
incoherent. 

three letters

May 10, 2009

cross posted fromĀ  lettergraveyard, on livejournal

three long letters, for the three men i have loved

summertime

May 4, 2009

raining just a little,
the whole night
smells like wet pavement
and fresh grass
8 days of classes left
18 days until i go home
i am thinking of the summertime –
all my nights full of
warm rain, and haloed streetlights
sitting on a bench swing
made by four boys for their mother
watching the purple-orange clouds
walks on the Milwaukee pier,
seeing the whole city lit up
stars bound to the shoreline
deep dark waves rolling
remembering nights on Lake Erie
stripping to our underwear (or less) and running
across the cement
flying for just an instant – !
landing in the water, felt like
landing in the sky
and floating black water
doesn’t seem frightening
when it shines with the stars
like living inside a crystal ball –
everything reflecting and deflecting.
this summer,
we will lie naked in my bed
on humid summer evenings
sticky, too hot, but
lying close together anyway
i will turn the fan up high,
so we can doze off listening to it hum
i am looking forward to a beautiful three months.

May 2, 2009

feeling kind of down
it’s a cool evening in early May
and i’m home, alone
as per usual
i spent four glorious days in St. Louis
not so long ago,
celebrating my birthday with Micah
one afternoon the sun was very bright
and the breeze was warm
so we sat outside next to a pond on campus
and put our hands in the water
to tease the coy fish
later we did homework
sitting on a blanket on the floor
until i got too bored
and started trying to raspberry his stomach
needless to say,
that ended in much wrestling, laughter,
and breathlessness.
i turned 20 on the 23
and yet again, i have to say –
i do not feel different.
it was a fairly low-key affair;
Micah was in rehearsal, so he did not
call at midnight.  my friends were all working
or gone.
so i came home after my own rehearsal
and slipped quietly into my second decade of life,
alone
life has been difficult, lately
too much work, and too little sleep
and insecurities long banished rearing their heads again
when i stay up late, waiting for a phone call
waiting to hear him say "i love you"
and when he does call, i know that he means it
so much that it hurts to think about
so i don’t understand why in between times
i can’t shake my sadness, and loneliness.
perhaps tonight is just worse;
he is singing in his spring concert this evening
in front of hundreds of SLU students
and his friends, and girls who will
get drunk later, and hang on the arms
of the acappella boys.
a year ago i was in the audience too;
i wish i could be again.
usually i fool myself into believing that we are
sharing our lives;
but my make-believe doesn’t make it real
the reality is,
we are not.  we have separate friends, separate
classes, separate cities, separate everything.
we can’t cook together, study together,
relax together, sleep together
i want to experience his world with him,
not through him.
i want him to experience mine.
mostly right now
i want to be sitting in the audience
with a proud smile on my face
because he’s up there singing his heart out
and he’s all mine.