January 3, 2008

tonight was paul’s birthday party.
not just paul’s – Alan’s too.
they had an Alan and (Ron) Paul Party
and i was invited about a week ago
i wasn’t sure;
should i go? 
and then i decided that i had to go for myself
and see him in real life
and look him in the eyes and know
that i’m okay now.
so i went with Meredith and Micah
and held my breath when we
walked in the door
when he met my eyes,
i started breathing again
because i didn’t feel like i’d been
punched in the stomach.
and all night, i was fine
i talked to him and looked at his
angled face, tangled hair
it meant nothing to me
and i could look at his hands without feeling them on me
and his mouth without tasting it
and driving Micah home
in the dark glow of my minivan
Micah slipped his hand into mine
and squeezed my fingers
in the front hall of his house
he handed me his father’s book
and kissed me on the tip of my nose
when i looked into his eyes, i realized
i couldn’t think of any other colors
so i kissed him back
and said “i love you”
knowing – i’ve always known,
i mean it.

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