June 11, 2008

everything is okay.

June 11, 2008

everything is okay.

June 7, 2008

ugh,
i feel shitty.

June 7, 2008

last night
my mouth tasted like coffee
and clove cigarettes
and another bitterness worse than both;
the rain has been falling for two days.
last night
Micah’s brother got engaged
and i was invited to the party afterwards
Micah told me in the morning:
“it means that you’re becoming part of the family.”
so
last night
i put on my nice dress,
the one i got for my birthday
and did my hair and make up
i was so excited
to see him, and to look nice for him
and for his family.
but then 7:30 came and went
and i knew it might have been delayed because of the storms
so i kept waiting
and 8:30 came and went
and i said “he’ll call me soon”
so i kept waiting
and 9:30 came and went
and i thought, maybe they didn’t want me there after all
so i called up my best friend
and i said “let’s hang out”
when what i meant was,
“let’s do something stupid”
i went out into the thunderstorms,
out into the floods that are
washing away the bridges
in this pathetic town of mine,
i drove through the rain so thick
my windshield wipers didn’t seem to help.
i felt –
last night –
everything seemed to be breaking apart
and we sat at Johnny V’s
and i smoked clove cigarettes,
even though they were old
and the taste in my mouth was foul
but i could pretend that it was because of the smoke
and not my hurt feelings.
when he did call me, it was 4 hours late.
he didn’t apologize the first time,
didn’t even seem to understand
that i had sat at home for hours,
all dressed up with no where to go.

i told him
“you are my knight in shining armor;
don’t be like everyone else”
i cried because
it felt like paul.  it felt  like
those nights when i would wait for hours
to hear from him
it is so hard to comprehend
that he is only human.
he’s just a person, he isn’t magical
and he had no idea
he cried when i told him
how nice i had looked, how excited i was
he felt awful because he always tells me
“you are everything to me, you’re my priority”
but last night i felt like the last thing on his list.

i’m in the strangest place now
i haven’t felt so lost in a year.
i don’t want him to be human;
i want him to be my dream
but sometimes our humanity comes screaming through
when you least expect it.

June 5, 2008

this day,
is slow and sticky
it seems about to rain
and everything seems to be
variations of grey
not quite an ache but
not quite a happiness;
there is something missing.

June 5, 2008

this day,
is slow and sticky
it seems about to rain
and everything seems to be
variations of grey
not quite an ache but
not quite a happiness;
there is something missing.

June 1, 2008

my best friend’s boyfriend just broke up with her
yesterday morning.
he came home from his religious camp
and took her out for coffee
and in a public cafe, told her
that they needed to break up
after almost three years.
i am wavering between anger and sadness
because of the reasons he gave.
he told her that he had
a “religious epiphany”.
the implication was that
he wanted to purify himself and that
their relationship was making him impure
he said they needed to
“grow apart before they could grow together”.
he said
“i love you more than anyone on earth”
what he didn’t need to say was
“you are second behind God”
and here is the thing that gets me:

where is God if not in the love between two people?

how can he love God “more” or “less” than her?
can’t he see that she IS God?
that God lives in our relationships,
that God is in the love we have for one another.
the ambiguous concept of “God as a being”
is so beyond me.
God?  where? 
an old man in a white robe above the clouds.
no,
God is an emotion, a moment,
the way your heart opens up with joy
at the way the sunlight flashes in the eyes of someone you love
God is the softness you feel when you see a sleeping child,
God is the way your soul stills in the cool quiet dark of a summer night.

i can look at my friend and see God in her,
i can see it in the way she smiles and
the way her wrist cocks as she gestures to tell a story
and so when the person who has told her
he loved her
tells her that he can’t
LOVE her
my everything aches because

where is the God in that?