June 16, 2009

and so it is,
that three days after
David’s wedding,
Ryan is about to propose to Liz
i can’t help feeling somewhat jealous –
i am eager for when it is
my turn to become a Russell;
still, i am thrilled for them
i know they will be a beautiful couple
and this time, fingers crossed,
i’ll be seen as more a part
of the family.

June 13, 2009

Micah’s brother is getting married today
at 2:30 in the afternoon
in the church where he met his fiance
and in a little while, i will put on my
lavender dress and green pearls
and go.
is it strange that i should feel a little
selfish, a little annoyed,
that Micah is a groomsman and an
usher and a clean up man?
that i won’t get to talk to him until
after the wedding, the pictures,
the cocktail hour, the dinner…
maybe, if i’m lucky, by 8 he’ll actually
have time for me.
i feel like such an outsider to that family
even after almost 2 years.
i know that i don’t have a ring on my
finger, but do they even realize
how awkward today will be for me?
since i don’t know anyone
who will be there, because they have
made a distinct effort to keep me from
meeting extended family. 
i wish that i could just skip it
and show up at 8 pm
it would be better than sitting alone
for the ceremony, twiddling
my thumbs afterwards, and
sitting at the "kids table" with the
assorted children of friends
that they didn’t know what else to do with.
oh, just don’t mind me.
i’m just grumpy because they also
decided to renovate their entire house in 2
weeks, including carpets and walls,
so i haven’t spent any real time with Micah
since getting home from school
and i miss him. 
i should console myself with the fact that
after today it will be over;
after today he’ll have time for me again.
i just wish it was never a question of him
"having time" for me…i wish that i could
take priority, at least sometimes.
i’m keeping my fingers crossed that
someday, i will be the priority…
though it seems like that won’t be
until our own wedding.