January 26, 2011

hello 2011
it’s snowing tonight,
that glorious sort of snow that
glitters on the ground
like handfuls of the
colored sugars i used to decorate
Christmas cookies with my grandma,
standing on a chair at her kitchen counter.
walking on campus,
it seems drawn to my face
landing in pinpricks of cold on my tongue
gathering on eyelashes
melting on my glasses, in spangles
so the whole world shines in shades
of dreamsicle and silver
the Pru is hiding behind a curtain
of ice and fog, and my world feels
insulated, for a moment.
i’ve been feeling a little bruised
on my heart, on the edges
for the past week or so.
dreaded coming back here –
this place that makes me so miserable
(perhaps i shouldn’t say that;
isn’t MIT a dream school?
…but it is true)
goodbyes were at once
so exciting, and so painful
115 days until no more countdowns
no more expensive plane tickets
no more airport tears
but still…115 days
is a pretty long time, from this end.
ready for the rest
a new home, new friends
you know.
life is at once changing dramatically
and somehow, still the same
and i –
well, i’m not really sure how to feel.
in the space of a month, i’ve
reconnected with Paul
(if you can call it that)
and then, just today – had an email
from a friend i wanted to forget
but seemed to fail at
and of course, now it seems she
won’t let me.
well, so the world seems go to
maybe i’m doing the right things
maybe i’m not –
starting to realize that
(obviously) there’s no guarantee
there’s no guidebook
there’s no safeties –

just me, and, well
i suppose that will have to be