September 27, 2008

Paul Newman died yesterday.
he was a beautiful man;
he put ridiculous amounts of money into charities
and loved his wife completely.
when asked if he was tempted to stray,
he said "i have steak at home –
why would i go out for hamburger?"

i am genuinely sad about his death.

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September 23, 2008

all right, so here is the secret:
i went to St. Louis this weekend!
i couldn’t write about it here
because Micah (sometimes) reads this;
i didn’t want to give it away.

i got back late last night
flying out of St. Louis as the sun set
and watching the way the rainbow
at the horizon faded
and the galaxies of cities lit up the ground beneath me
i couldn’t stop crying this time;
somehow it was worse than before
i felt like i was breaking
when i had to let go of his hand and walk through security
and looking back from the other side,
like i do every time
knowing that he was trying not to but crying anyway
blowing a kiss
i
hate
saying
goodbye
no one should ever have to
my life is full of so much beauty
but there are some times when
i just want to close my eyes and forget
because even though i am so, so lucky
it is still possible to hurt

we had a beautiful weekend;
a trip to the zoo, out for dinner on the Loop
visiting with his friends, making dinner together
watching his face as he bowed his head in mass
and feeling how strongly he believed
and i looked at him and could feel it too;
i could feel a presence in my life,
because we can’t be an accident,
not when loving him fills me so much.

and the last time we made love
faces close together,
lit up by the afternoon light
if i could make anything last forever,
it would be the look in his eyes
as he watched my face.

and here i am, procrastinating
as usual
hating myself for hating my circumstances
because i try to keep my life in perspective
and recognize the joy i have
after all, i am lucky to have someone who loves me so much
even so far away
but some nights, like tonight
when it’s cold and dark outside
and my heart hurts
i can’t help but want to scream injustice
no one should ever have to feel
as if their heart is far far away

it will be all right.  i know.
i just have to complain sometimes.

24 days.
not too many, is it?
i suppose,
except when you start missing someone
the instant they’re out of your sight,
it’s always too long.

September 14, 2008

i have a secret
and it’s a very good one
but i can’t tell you what it is just yet –
just that it’s a wonderful thing
that i can barely hold inside right now
and i can’t wait until you can have the full story.

September 12, 2008

if you’ve ever wondered what it feels like
to be in a long distance relationship,
this is the most accurate portrayal i’ve ever seen
of what the last day feels like:

but,
what this video doesn’t show
is how incredibly perfect everything is
in that moment when you step into each other’s arms
after being apart for a long time.

September 6, 2008

tonight is an "i miss you a lot" night

because of the rain, i think
like those nights at home this summer
soft yellow lamplight
heavy summer rains and fat warm drops
walking to the house, wet skin and hair,
up the stairs
the way my bedroom door clicked shut
peeling away wet t-shirts and jeans
my skin was always cold, with goosebumps
he’d walk across the room to me,
long limbs narrow waist
naked and pale and beautiful
wrap me up tight in his arms
curling against his warm radiator chest
while he kissed the top of my head
or my nose, or my cheek
making love with the light on
so i could see every line
every glance every touch
sticky sweet heat while we moved together
and the fan whispered its breeze between us
around us
the soft noises he made against my neck,
those little gasps that he tried to hide
and afterward how he would go still
breathing heavy, limbs heavy
kissing my skin over and over and over
whispering that he loved me.

yes.
that’s what i miss tonight.

September 4, 2008

classes already?
oh Lord.
i’m drinking iced earl grey
(it’s too hot for real tea)
and trying to read a book about statistics
when really i want to go to sleep
or maybe a stroll by the river
or maybe to fast forward a month or so
lately i am never quite content;
i am still learning this new/old place
classes this semester:
statistics for brain & cognitive science
introduction to neuroscience
genetics
and
jazz history
plus (hopefully) a job doing research in a lab
and tutoring middle school students in Boston
and learning to sail
and joining the photography club
and singing with the Muses
i know that’s a lot of "and"s
but every "and" will make my time go faster.
my suite is wonderful this year;
all sophomore girls,
my four best friends, really
we painted our kitchen red and orange
and my room is still a pale bluegreen sky
with pictures up to the ceiling around the window
over my desk
i feel a little down tonight
wanting to be there, knowing i can’t
wanting to be happy, knowing i can’t
(not fully, not yet)
everything is just fine
just a little, well, mediocre
everyone has off days.
i’m just sort of tired, and missing him
as always
still, i’m learning
and it’s getting a little easier
or, if not easier,
at least not as hard.
just going day by day
until the days are done.

pictures at college