Easter morning

April 12, 2009

today, it is
Easter morning
which doesn’t mean much to me,
since i don’t believe in Jesus
(don’t get me wrong, he was
a great guy, i just don’t know about
the whole divine/human thing)
today, a year ago
i woke up in my bed at home
and my sister showed me
our family Easter basket
full of candy and small treats
and i helped my mother make breakfast
today, i woke up
in a room that was too cold
because the heater has been turned
off for the season, and the wind
is blowing something fierce.  so
today, i am sitting
at my desk wearing
sweatpants and a robe
and a hot water bottle on my lap
wondering if i should care about Jesus
and whether or not Christianity works.
Micah is at church, believing
and i am here, wondering if my
not-believing is going to have to become
believing in order for this to work.
last summer my best friend’s boyfriend of
almost 3 years broke up with her
because of religious differences.
sometimes it’s easy to forget that
Micah believes so strongly in his God
because he doesn’t show any of the
typical signs –
no Catholic guilt, he is not anti-choice,
no attempts to convert me.
but i know that it is strange to him
that i don’t need to find God.
he doesn’t seem to understand that
God doesn’t need to be God;
God is just as easily love, or respect,
or honesty, or beauty.
God doesn’t need to have a son
to prove to me that my life is a gift;
God doesn’t need me to feel indebted
for me to be grateful.
i don’t believe in Christ, the Eucharist, the Bible
i believe in happiness, and  sunshine,
and smiling at a stranger,
and changing the world by being
the best person you can be.
God doesn’t need to have a voice, or a
face, or a hand on my shoulder.
he’s already given me everything i could ask for,
beautiful and ugly.
it would be arrogant to assume that he has
the time to listen to my petty wishes and thanks.
if there is a God, he already knows how
wonderful and terrible his world is.
he doesn’t need me to tell him.
i am so lucky, and so unlucky
and my life is full of tragedy and happiness –
just like everyone else. 
i know that Micah and i will be able to
work through our religious differences,
whether it requires extensive arguments or
simple compromises.  we’ll
cross that bridge when we come to it.
inthe mean time, i will wait here
remembering Easter eggs
and Easter lamb, and
Easter family gatherings
and Micah will call me sometime later
and in only 5 days, i’ll be getting on yet
another plane to fly yet another
1200 miles and
i’ll celebrate my life the way it’s meant to be celebrated.