November 30, 2007

exceedingly drunk
oh Lord
so much alcohol!
feels like college these days
oh, wait.
ha!  here i am
and the hiccups
how cliche
dancing with strangers
trying to forget that i don’t know them
watching phantom of the opera
wishing for
what?
i don’t know
i just want today to be over
and tomorrow to be over
and for me to stop wishing
that it was over
and for me to just be happy
that it’s today

him (10:23:44 PM): you should write about the darkness
him(10:23:48 PM): and christmas lights
him (10:23:55 PM): and prayer
him (10:24:00 PM): and calendars
him(10:24:05 PM): and old songs
him(10:24:12 PM): and dog whistles
me (10:24:05 PM): Dog whistles?
him(10:24:20 PM): and marble
me (10:24:08 PM): Christmas bells
him(10:24:22 PM): yeah
me (10:24:13 PM): Granite counters.
him(10:24:32 PM): and post-it notes
him (10:24:39 PM): and cracked windows
me (10:24:29 PM): Pocket sized pictures.
him (10:25:02 PM): and the feeling you get when you shiver
him (10:25:15 PM): and streetlamps
me (10:25:09 PM): Winter sunlight
him(10:25:33 PM): and snowflakes
him (10:25:45 PM): and the feeling of bass against your feet
him (10:26:04 PM): and the circle around the moon
me (10:25:55 PM): Scratchy beards.
me (10:26:13 PM): Cold hands.
him (10:26:32 PM): and the feeling you get when everything goes right
him (10:27:02 PM): and the beat that grabs you
him (10:27:10 PM): and drawn curtains
him (10:27:33 PM): and the sound of people breathing
me (10:27:24 PM): Hearts beating.
him (10:27:50 PM): and eyes
him (10:28:37 PM): and flying
me (10:28:27 PM): Waking up to hear someone’s voice
him (10:28:53 PM): and long hair
me (10:28:40 PM): Sheets on bare skin
him(10:29:08 PM): and stretching so wide in the morning
me (10:29:19 PM): Morning mouth
him (10:29:32 PM): and birds chirping
him(10:29:40 PM): and morning kisses
me (10:29:32 PM): The way snow makes an almost-sound on the window pane

him(10:30:03 PM): the whiney of the wind
him (10:30:32 PM): and feet on cold floor
me (10:31:05 PM): Fireplaces
me (10:31:08 PM): Woodsmoke in the afternoon
him (10:31:28 PM): and hands tracing eyes and ears and eyebrows and mouth and nose
him (10:32:07 PM): and leaves blowing in the afternoon winds
me (10:32:05 PM): Beautiful songs that make you cry
me (10:32:27 PM): I miss you.
him(10:32:47 PM): i miss you too

after the holiday

November 25, 2007

i didn’t cry when he left this time
i think it was because of the way the light was on his face,
cold November afternoon, the way it
swept its fingers across his face and
filled his eyes
pressing my cold cold cheek to his
and just breathing
in and out
the way it’s meant to be
my heart, it hurt a little bit but
i knew – only three and a half weeks this time
(which is so much better than seven)
it’s never really easy, you know
i don’t think it ever will be but i’m
learning how to see the bright side
really, learning that we’ll be there again
so there’s no reason to cry,
it’s just another leg in a long
long race.
and last night, lying on my bed
holding all of him against all of me,
stroking his hair so lightly, my
made of glass boy i’m afraid to break
kissing his forehead
i can see someday when
we’ll fall asleep like that every night
the thought of that makes
the nights alone worth it.
thinking of him far away on the train,
almost back to school.  maybe he’s sleeping,
mouth open just a little bit
cities flashing past as he dozes on a windowpane
i like to imagine myself there next to him,
reading a book or maybe just
sleeping myself.
it’s not so out there, you know,
thinking of what things will be like in four years
(three and a half years, now)
it doesn’t feel like wishful thinking –
it just feels like what comes next.
i haven’t done any work this weekend;
this week will be awful
and the week after will be awful
and the week after will be awful
but that’s three awful weeks gone
before i get to have six beautiful weeks here
when i can wake up in the morning to his phone call
and say, “I’ll see you later,” and
really mean it.

Thanksgiving thoughts

November 23, 2007

i am thankful for
my incredible school
the people i live with
my family, who might not always have
their priorities straight, but
at the end of the day,
will always, always be there for me.
my cat, and the five pounds she has gained
since i left for school.
having enough food to eat,
even if a lot of it is spaghetti
(cheap and good!)
warm clothes to wear
being home for the holidays
friends who are more than friends
because three months doesn’t mean anything
family gatherings
snow on Thanksgiving eve
the sunlight on my bed in the morning
knowing that i’m on the right track
making my own decisions,
deciding my own life
for the person who has shown me what happiness is
who loves every part of me
because of me
the person who has given me renewed faith in the world and
makes me believe that there has to be a God,
because someone like him had to come from somewhere
the person that i hope i can spend
the rest of my life with

i am grateful to be alive, and healthy,
and happy, and finally
i’m whole.

November 22, 2007

yesterday seemed so long,
every hour seemed like a day and when i finally left campus
i took the earlier shuttle because i was
too impatient to sit in my room any longer
my original flight was delayed by two hours; i got to the airport so early,
i was put on standby for the earlier flight
i got the seat and came home early
it was snowing as we landed, the whole world was black
with white sparkles and
i didn’t see the ground until we were on it
the whole flight, all i wanted was to be here
i was so impatient!
we landed at 8:23 and i was off
walking out of the gate, through the terminal to
just past security where families were waiting
i didn’t even have to search, my eyes were on him as soon as
i turned my head to face the crowd
he pushed past some people; i did too
we met each other halfway and
oh, just holding him as tightly as i could
felt like the most right thing in the world.
coming home, it was sort of like
i’d never left
seeing family, old friends
my bedroom
just sitting there with him
not having to say anything

it’s so good to be here.

November 21, 2007

today’s the day.
twelve hours from now i’ll be home.

these days

November 19, 2007

waking up this morning with
pillow marks across my chest and arms,
folds indented on my skin and
my bed is so warm, why would i ever get up?
calendar over my bed – 3 days
rubbing my face against the blankets
struggling to remember a dream about a man
who had no words but still
he spoke so loudly, because
all he had to say was ‘i love you’
which really, is saying everything
i used my hands to talk to him, i said things
i don’t know what i said, beautiful things
painting pictures in the air
fingers folding so gracefully
and ‘i love you’s were everywhere,
in the sky and on the walls and
behind the eyes of the people around me.
we were sitting in a waiting room and they were everywhere
but i don’t know what any of us were waiting for.

i’m having a hard time with my friends talking about their lives
i feel so selfish sometimes, because they come to me
with stories about missing classes, oversleeping, pulling all nighters
dealing with their boyfriends
and i just want to laugh at them
‘you have no idea’
those nights when i wake up
pressed against a p-set
so tired, so stiff and sore
constantly trying to keep things under control and
thank God i have him to ground me, i could never do it otherwise.
and when they talk about ‘missing him’
when he’s gone for a weekend
i want to shout ‘you have no idea what missing someone feels like!’
there is so much to get done, so much to do
i take deep breaths
stamp down the stress
counting down days
waiting
in waiting rooms

when i close my eyes, i can see the man
old, old man, with a ragged jacket and
hair that needed cutting
i love you i love you i love you
he said
and he loved me because he loved everyone
because somehow everyone is worth loving in some way
and he could see that and
i think he must be right.

insomniac

November 17, 2007

i can see you, i don’t even know you
falling into the sheets at night.
i place my hands flat on my chest –
i feel my heart beat back the night.
i tried counting the sheep
and i talked to the shepherd and
i’ve played with  my pillow for ever and ever.
i sit alone and i watch the clock;
i breathe in on the tick, and out on the tock.

i can hear your bare feet on the kitchen floor,
and i don’t have to have these dreams no more
and i’ve found someone just to hold me tight –
hold the insomniac all night.

i dig my head down deep so i can’t hear the cars
outside on the street, and the stars are laughing.
they get a kick out of my misery.
i’ve tried everything short of Aristotle,
to Dramamine and the whiskey bottle.
pray for the day when my ship comes in –
i can sleep the sleep of the just again.

i can hear you bare feet on the kitchen floor,
and i don’t have to have these dreams no more
and i’ve found someone just to hold me tight –
hold the insomniac all night. 

i can hear your bare feet on the kitchen floor,
and i don’t have to have these dreams no more
and i’ve found someone just to hold me tight –
hold the insomniac all night.

keep on holding me.

(Billy Pilgrim)

thinkings

November 16, 2007

i wonder sometimes if it’s hypocritical of me
to be so in love
with someone when six months ago
i was convinced that i loved paul with all of my heart. 
it seems wrong, somehow, to put him and Micah in the same place;
to have used the same words to both of them
– “i love you’ –
it feels bad.  i don’t like it. 
part of me thinks that i don’t like it because i knew i loved paul
i was so sure of it, i was –
but what i feel for Micah is so dramatically different,
so incredibly real and fulfilling in a way that paul never could be.
paul felt like empty air, like winter darkness
icicles inside of me.
he twisted up the insides of me and turned my world over
he was exciting and quirky and spontaneous
and i believed that was what i wanted, to be
kept on my toes and i never knew
what was going on, and i told myself
it was okay, that’s how it was supposed to be.
but now it, well, the best i can describe it is
waking up on a sunny Sunday morning in a warm bed
grass between my toes in the summertime
a soft wind on my face, the smell of fresh coffee
my life is like a smile because of him.
no matter how bad it gets or how much pressure i’m under,
i can’t help but be happy.
when i read what was written on the 10 of july,
i wonder who that girl was –
the girl i used to be.
when my world seemed so unstable,
snapping, crushing, exploding,
pieces of glass on my insides.
those nights when all i could do was shake
all of me screaming for something to change
that night in july when i learned about what david had done
crying until i couldn’t breathe
biting my hands until they bled to keep the sobs in.
but now, i can’t remember what fear feels like
because i know he’s always there
even if i can’t reach out and touch him,
he’s just a phone call away.

i love who i am today
because he loves who i am today
and i can’t help but think that
if he loves me so much, then well,
i must be someone worth loving.

the most beautiful person i have ever known
i can see it in his face when he looks at me,
even when we’re a thousand miles apart, the magic of
skype brings him into my room
and sometimes he’ll just
stop talking and stare, like there’s nothing in this world
that he’d rather be looking at.
“you are so beautiful,” he tells me
and i must just be his echo, because it’s all i can say back.

and when i look at this picture:

i can’t help but feel that
five days is five days too many.

some things about me

November 15, 2007

i am a freshman at MIT
i like napping
the New England rain gets me down because i have no one here to cuddle with.
i am not a small-town Midwesterner
even though i come from the Midwest. 
i don’t know how i’m going to pay for college
but i might have a way
i insist that veggie sushi is real sushi
because i love it and i don’t eat fish.
my favorite part of my day is
getting into bed at night
and calling Micah
he talks me to sleep;
it lets me pretend he’s here.
i constantly get distracted and
don’t finish my work until
it’s very late at night
then fall asleep during lecture the next day.
i don’t know what i want to major in
but i think brain & cognitive sciences would be neat,
since it’s two of my favorite things –
science and philosophy –
wrapped into one.
i like it when people send me songs they like.

i don’t know what i’m going to do with my life.
lately it’s been strange because
this time, i know that
i’m not the only one in love –
he’s in love, too.
and when we talk it’s like we’ve always known each other
and he talks about the future
so confidently, like he’s already been there
and seen us together down the road.
but, four years is a long time
and a thousand miles is a long way
to go.
i feel so surreal, when i think of after college
how wonderful it would be to be with him somewhere,
going to grad school, sharing an apartment
getting married.  oh God.
but it isn’t scary,
which is kind of the scariest part.

how is it that i’m here?
i am at an amazing school full of amazing people,
doing amazing things
every day of their lives.
i’m in a city full of history and culture and
beautiful things, too
like sunlight on the river in the morning
the way the sun sets so red and gold.
i’m in love with a person i think i might have dreamed;
he asks me every day, “how did i get so lucky?”
and i ask, “how did i?”
i remember standing in the airport of St. Louis
thinking that my heart might break for leaving
when i walked through security and looked back
he was crying, and
oh, it broke.
and now it’s only six days until i see him again,
only six days!
i can’t wait to just
be with him –
not saying or doing anything, just
listening to his breathing
and stroking his hair.

six days until home, but
who knows if it’s really home?  i don’t
here isn’t home yet, i’m still settling in
i think it’s because i’m in a triple and
i need my own space
(no offense, Caryn and Emily)
and, to be honest,
i don’t know if i’ll have a home until it’s with him.
which isn’t to say i can’t be happy,
but it just means that i’m longing for when i can
wake up to him every day
fall asleep to him every night
and see him all times in between.

and now i’m just going on and on,
and i have work to finish.

i’ll try to write more often, i promise.
i’m finding i have lots to say, even if
my words aren’t as pretty as i wish they were.