September 29, 2007

 whenever i’m walking around campus and i see janitors cleaning the halls, i always think of the movie “Good Will Hunting” and wonder how many geniuses we have walking unaware among us.

you know how i always thought i was under so much pressure?
my definition of “stress” has completely blown away
i don’t know what to do anymore
living day to day
until tomorrow
or next week
or Friday in St. Louis
until i see your face again
oh God, i love you
you’re all i think of,
even when i’m stumbling drunk
and can’t say “Saint Louis” without slurring
or type the words without misspelling.
people always tell me it won’t last but
well,
it’s lasting.

i love you oh so very much

September 23, 2007

it’s getting more real;
i’m starting to feel
more like
i’m home
except, well, i’m
scared as shit, honestly
failing – jesus, did i fail!
it’s funny to think of 
them, so far away
back in hometown
i’m living such a different life
and i think
no – no, i’m sure
(aren’t i sure?)
it’s the life i want.
that’s why i’m doing this,
i’m doing all of this for
myself.
nights like tonight, here
on the Charles
orangepeachymango drinks
procrastination

remember when
four months ago, i was
“in love”?
i always think
no, i mean it!
i guess i’m worried
it’s like that again, but
this time i really want to mean it.

Sunday night when i clean the house,
i find the card where you wrote it out
with the pictures of your mother.
on the floor at the great divide,
with my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied
i am crying in the bathroom

a month and two days in

September 21, 2007

 piles and piles of
p-sets, oh my!
the temptation to turn
to vodka and juice to burn
my time away to
learn to blow smoke
rings to drink and drink
sinking to levels where
thinking is no longer required
i’m slightly terrified
an exam, a quiz, a book to read,
a p-set, 
oh God.
i’m so tired.
there’s so much i have to fix, i have to find
a way out
i don’t know what i want yet
but i know what i don’t want, and i’m
trying to
save myself from destruction
a three day weekend, hallelujah!
and two weeks from tomorrow 
i’ll be there, St. Louis
living until i see
his face again, until
i’m home
and St. Louis it’s such a 
far way away
when i just want to put my
face down on his shoulder,
to touch that 
funny little spot on his chin
where no hair ever grows
and that scar on his thumb
long crooked fingers
and the way his eyes go all dark
God it’s too far
it’s so hard to do this, i thought
this was supposed to get easy
it’s gotten
easier every time but –
this time there’s 
a future, a reality that
maybe this could be right
and that, well that
it’s terrifying, because it’s not
that breathless intensity it’s like
it’s like i’ve belonged there all along,
like i’ll always belong there
and doesn’t that have to mean something
in the long run?

September 16, 2007

here’s the strange thing:
it isn’t scary,
now
thinking of this
i’m not afraid
somehow, i’ve always been
afraid of losing what i’m
thinking 
i was the only one
who saw it there, anyway
see, no matter how
badly
you want it
it takes two however
you turn it.
but
i’m not afraid now
because it’s not going
away
this time, 
i think maybe
(well what a strange thought)
he might just
stick around
and it’s not that
i was naive,
it’s just that –
i knew what it was
to love someone
but i’d never seen before
what it was to be loved.

September 13, 2007

i’m going to St. Louis in three weeks.

September 7, 2007

 some days are harder than others.

i feel jaded already – tonight on the floor, it was fun but it was old.  all of these people, away from home for the first time, breaking loose.  i’ve done this before.  getting drunk and drunker still, dancing in crowded lounges and spilling everywhere.

Dan and i have been spending lots of time at the radio station.  i think we’re going to do a show this fall, maybe.  mostly we just sit around and rip cds and talk…or don’t talk.  it doesn’t matter.

my classes are going to kill me this semester.

mostly right now, i wish that St. Louis were much much much closer to Boston.

(i wish i didn’t miss him so much)

just forget the world.

September 2, 2007

today i fell in love with a place: wmbr 88.1

the radio station here on campus.

it’s amazing and i want to live there.

okay the end.

any other way

September 1, 2007

my room has three windows facing the Charles River.

the sun shines in all day.

at night i can see the skyline.

i love this city, i love this college.  i’m fighting back terror every second of every day but it’s beautiful here, i just feel so right, i’m still adjusting but this is it.  i am here and this is everything.  it’s amazing.

i’m making friends (sort of) my floor is very friendly and people are very nice.  i’ve only found one person i really connect with well, his name is Dan Ainge which i think is a perversion of “ange” which i think is pretty.  he is very tall and has very blue eyes and gives good hugs.  he makes fun of me a lot.

i have piles and piles of photos across my desk waiting to be hung up and i’d kind of like to put them up tonight but i’m so tired.

my floor is taking us to the beach tomorrow!  i didn’t even know there was a beach we could go to.

classes start Wednesday.  dear God.

ahhhhh this is crazy but good.