May 27, 2008

how quickly we fall into our old lives;
how easily it seems i’m home
my favorites so far:
having a car to go places that are too far to walk
the time to watch movies
being able to read books again
Gilles’ chocolate custard
going to the Village for lunch
being able to just pick up the phone
and call him and say,
“let’s have lunch” or
“let’s go for a walk”
and then he says “all right!”
and we do.
i’ve been home for less than a week
i expect that this summer will be full
of wonderful things.

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May 26, 2008

i love summer 🙂

May 20, 2008

less than 12 hours!

time for bed.

May 20, 2008

oh my God i have so much crap.

is it strange that i am not sad to be leaving?
everyone else seems to feel somewhat hesitant.
perhaps it’s because i have something of a different incentive
still, i can’t help but find it odd
that there are only two or three people i will actually miss
and my singing, i will miss the Muses a lot.
i already miss rehearsals. 

i have spent the evening packing;
i’m still very tired
and i don’t quite know what to do with myself
it’s such a strange feeling, knowing that
my brain can rest for three whole months.

oh,  and so much to look forward to
if only i can figure out how to make all of my things fit in my bag.

May 19, 2008

done.
so tired.

May 18, 2008

2 down
2 to go
it’s all downhill from here,
physics E&M and multivariable calc were the brain killers.
i’m about to go take a nap
before i start studying for biology and psychology.
on an unrelated note,
my hands are already starting to look old
which i don’t mind so much,
since it just means i do a lot of things with them.
i am very tired.

it’s so real and so unreal
in two days i’ll be home again.

edit:
i just found out that my younger brother is officially enlisted in the US Marines.
this is frightening on more than one level:
of course, the fact that we still have this
stupid war going on has me somewhat nervous –
but he’ll be in the US training for a good two years
before he could be sent abroad.
but, in a strange way,
i’m also shocked by the fact that
i’m old enough that my little brother
is going to be a Marine.

May 18, 2008

1 down
3 to go.

May 16, 2008

ugh.
exams are destroying my mind –
i feel like the more i study,
the more confused i get.
keep your fingers crossed that i pass;
three days from now i’ll be packing my bags
and all finished with finals.

God i can’t wait.
just have to hold it in mind:
my dream.

May 15, 2008

tired, and i’m
freaking out
kind of a lot
oh my God, how did i forget
EVERYTHING i learned this semester?
but it’s raining outside, it smells like
summer and charcoal

i’ll be home so soon –
just focus!  just four days!
then you can be done.

okay.
seriously now.

memories

May 13, 2008

i have spent the better part of these
last few days
thinking about this year instead of
worrying about my finals. 
i honestly can’t believe how much has happened;
it’s a little frightening to think about,
in very many ways.
so often i am wishing time away
yet, somehow
this time is almost gone and
i don’t know where it went.
Micah and i spoke for hours last night
of how things happened last summer;
there was a lot that i never spoke about there,
so i think i’ll talk a bit about it now.

he and i met in June; my best friend has
always had this party in the early summer,
where everyone loads up on the water balloons and
squirt guns and we all put on our swim suits
and pretend we’re more like 10 than we are like 20
Micah was there with a friend of his,
and neither of them knew many of the guests.
i came down the stairs in my blue bikini and cut offs,
they were standing there in the front hall
no of course it wasn’t love at first sight!
but i did notice his smile, the way that his face
seemed to open up with it and
the fight was girls vs. boys so
i chased him; i didn’t realize he was a cross country runner.
and when i cut my foot on a rock and sat on the curb
he put down his water gun and sat down next to me
i noticed how bright his eyes were and how
he kept them on mine.

he sent me an email telling me to call him
once he was back in town from a trip,
so i called him up one Monday afternoon and
we went to see a movie and then out for coffee
and we talked about so much!
after that we kept talking, on the phone and
in person and all of the time
i kept saying “you won’t fall in love, oh no you won’t”
how hard we both fought against it,
how much i wanted him to stop being so wonderful
and start being just like everyone else
how paul still lingered in my head
now i know how he struggled, too –
how he was still half in love with Lindsay,
his best friend, who threw fits when she found out about me
how he never told me about his inexperience,
and i never found out because he never hesitated

it was in my head from the beginning, that i would
lose him too. and more than anything, i wanted him
to be the one that i could take it all the way with;
i didn’t want a deadline.
the night that we first talked about it, i was driving him
back to his house. parked in the dark of the minivan
i could see his face only in shadows
he kissed my hands and i started to cry
because no one had ever kissed my hands like that before,
just as no one had ever told me that
i made them happy;
just as no one had ever told me that
i was abeautiful person.

and oh, the night i left, how every second seemed to cut
my digital clock dictating every minute passing
when that moment came, he never hesitated
i gave him the only thing i had left to give,
because it was the only way i could think of
to tell him that he already had everything else.
the way he held me, i knew he understood
and the way he looked at me,
i knew he was giving it all back.

i was only lying to myself when i said i would be all right
but i think he knew it; and i think he knew
as i did, deep down
that we weren’t saying “goodbye”, not really
i think we both knew that we both wanted it
but we were too afraid then.

i remember being at boot camp, how i cried myself to sleep
and i kept myself going by thinking of him.
and when i finally called him again, how the sound of his voice
just flooded into me.
and the first few weeks were so strained
because i didn’t want to let go but i knew i had to
so when he stopped saying “i love you” i did too
and i stopped myself from dialing his number
and i tried to pretend like i wanted to meet new people.

it wasn’t until Lindsay told him that she was
in love with him, too.  and he called me,
so upset, because he thought he might love her too
but more than anything, he missed me
i just told him that i loved him, and that i wanted him happy
he told me he loved me, too
since that day, i don’t think we’ve had one
where he hasn’t told me that.
and he tells me so many things –
so many things about how i affect him
he claims to be the lucky one.

and here i am a week from being with him again,
this time for three months – the longest time
we’ll have ever spent together
and every day i’m getting closer to the day
when i don’t have to say “goodbye” again.

i can’t say it enough times;
i want the whole world to know
how in love i am.