February 26, 2008

long days and
longer nights and
sometimes i get so mad at the world
but then i remember that
if i weren’t living this life,
i wouldn’t be living.

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February 24, 2008

lately things seem to be
well, all right
and coffee on winter mornings
wishes for kisses
stretching awake nakedly brilliant
work work and more work
(but really i’m a terrible procrastinator)
i found some old writings
yesterday, i read about
my high school self and
i used to be so hurt and angry at the world,
i was mad at everyone
and i was always wanting more
but never knowing more of what?
i
count
down
again, this time it’s only 19 days
and he’ll be here
time flies when you’re having fun
or when you have deadlines
i’m fine, really,
and when i said it i mean it this time
things are okay and i’m not afraid
or wishing for more.

movie scene ending

February 18, 2008

my flight was somewhat
delayed; and, well,
it seems that we’re not too good
at this whole “movie scene romance”
thing, because he was at the wrong
terminal when i arrived
so he drove around looking for me
and missed the spot twice.
the third time, i was down
a level, i saw him drive past
up on the street above, i ran
up the stairs and shouted to him
waved my arms
his window was open
so of course he could hear me
pulled over and awkwardly parked and
i was already running
and by the time he got out of the car
i was on top of him
so maybe we’re not so bad
at this whole “move scene romance”
thing, because he lifted me off my feet
(really though he’s not terribly tall) and
kissed me hard enough to bruise
and late at night, all of him against
all of me, i can tastefeelsmellhearsee
everything, it’s
well, sort of like a movie scene romance
because really we’re very different
and sometimes things seem very hard
but when it’s just himandme, meandhim
everything else is worth it.

February 11, 2008

i have never been a very
big fan of the coming holiday;
Valentine’s day just seemed like
an excuse
to feel sorry for yourself, maybe
or to feel obligated, if you’d rather
still, i’m quite happy because
on Thursday night i’ll be
blowing this popsicle stand
and spending the weekend in
St. Louis with Micah.
it’s strange, it feels like
it’s been much longer this time
though it hasn’t been, at all.
perhaps it’s the strangest because
the missing is being masked;
i’m trying not to look
too hard, or it gets too hard.
so most days i just pretend like it’s
all okay.
but it’s getting close, now,
only three days and i’m on my way.
i can’t wait to be there.

Yes We Can

February 10, 2008

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountain-top and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. (yes we can)
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can.
Si Se Puede.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.
We want change!
We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

We want change!
I want Change.
The hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA;
We will remember that there is something happening in America;
That we are not as divided as our politics suggests;
That we are one people;
We are one nation;
And together, we will begin the next great chapter in America’s story with three words that will ring from coast to coast;
From sea to shining sea –
Yes. We. Can.

– Barack Obama

February 7, 2008

things seem
under control; it’s
raining outside, i can see the way
the industrial lights across
Brigg’s Field are fractured
it’s raining like the spring
time is almost here.
it shatters against my window,
sending sparks of
orange and pink across the room.
Cambridge looks like
building blocks, florescent lights
low slung skyscrapers
i can hear the way it
claps on the sidewalk,
distant applause.
maybe they’re congratulating me;
grades from last semester,
nothing worse than a B-.
maybe i can make it here, after all.
i like my classes,

i want to do well. trying to get
ahead, get things done
sooner rather than later
i like being on the ball.
i’m excited, i feel ready
because i know i’m smart enough
i know i can do this, i know
i’m doing the right thing
or at least
the closest thing i know to it.

i have this ache in my
chest, most evenings
especially when it rains like this.
see, i have this need
(really, i think i would shrivel into nothing
without it)
to be with him physically;
and i don’t just mean making love,
although that’s important too.
just being there, in his presence
being able to reach out and touch
his cheek, or hand, or hair.
breathe in the smell of him,
or kiss the scars at the base of his palm

he told me they’re from when
an aquarium shattered in his hands
and he had to get tons of stitches
there was blood everywhere;
i wish i could have been there for the
child-Micah, held his hand while they
tucked the stitches in.

i know everything will be all right;
nights like tonight tell me so.
after all, the world can’t be all bad
not when streetlights can look so beautiful.

February 2, 2008

i was a little drunk last night,
so i’ll put it in layman’s terms this time:
like i said before,
i’m a freshman
(at MIT, no less…cue awesome gasp
just kidding)
here’s the thing:
it costs as much as
a new house
to attend this school for four years
and my family falls into that
“middle class” category
where the government is
pretty sure my parents
well of course they have that
$25,000 of free cash each year
not like we have a mortgage
cars, pets, siblings,
repairs, taxes, debts
everything.
so MIT tells me “your parents need to pay
$25,000 a year – so sorry if they can’t.”
my mother tells me that
if i leave the Navy, if i give up the scholarship
(which means giving up full tuition
but also weekly classes, required events,
time consumption, being with people i dislike,
being taught to kill, being taught to obey without question,
and a 4 – 8 year stint in the Navy after i graduate)
i’ll destroy my life, she says,
because this is “such an opportunity”
but an opportunity for what?
to hate myself? to deny my beliefs?
to give up those years in my twenties
when i want to be married,
have children, start a career.
so my mother makes me feel like
a stupid child, tells me that
i’m wrong and ignorant
that i don’t know what i’m doing
and now i can’t trust her with anything
because everything she’s ever taught me
was that i should do what is
right by me, but now i see that
it had to be right by her, first.
and here i am at 18,
not really sure what to do next
because the person i’ve trusted most in my life
has quite suddenly lost all of the trust she ever had
i get terrified some nights because
i know that two can do this;
but if something happens and if i lose Micah,
i lose so much.
and it’s scary because now i’m
building my life’s plans around someone else
not just myself
i can’t help but remember people
who said that they wouldn’t forget about me
but forgot anyway
and i’m so afraid that it could happen again
mostly this just happens when i’m alone;
12 days from today i’ll be on my way to St. Louis
and things will be all right again
at least for a little while
anyway, who ever heard of an MIT grad
living on the streets?

February 1, 2008

panic attacks
and sometimes i can feel
it clawing at my throat
and i can’t breathe, i can’t
think, i just
want to go away
how can i do this?
what am i doing with my life?
my mother keeps telling me
‘you’re throwing away everything,
you are
destroying your life’
but
how can i destroy something that
i’m not even sure it’s begun
and i just don’t know
i never know
if i’m doing the right thing,
i’m just guessing
like a blind bird, not really
sure which way is
up or down?
does anyone every know?
does it ever get easier
to decide what’s right or wrong?
jesus fucking christ
$90,000 is a fuck a lot
and well,
i’m just so terrified of
everything
loans, debt, money,
losing my family,
losing him.
and if i lost Micah, what then?
i just don’t know anything
i’m just going off of my
instinct and well,
the idea of being alone
it’s so frightening
but how alone would i feel
if i made the wrong choice?