February 21, 2009

12 days is
12 days too long;
a dozen nights alone.

February 17, 2009

one of those days
feeling a little broken
just a few cups of coffee
a hot shower, thanks
just need to settle into the p-sets
in a pool of desk-lamp-light
admittedly i am spoiled;
after all, i do have someone
who loves me very much,
and when we’re in the same place
he kisses all of my fingers and toes.
but i often have to wonder –
is it better to love, and lose, and love,
and lose, and love, and lose,
than to never love at all?
don’t misinterpret:
i have no doubts.
i just think, maybe it would be easier
if i weren’t doing this
somedays.
here is why i am doing it anyway:
someday, it won’t be love, lose, love, lose
love, lose anymore –
it will suddenly become
lovelovelovelovelove
and i will forget what the lose
ever felt like.

Valentine’s Day

February 16, 2009

so lately
the weather is up-and-down
and we’re somehow about to start
the third week
somehow my classes don’t feel real
even though i just finished my
first p-set
probably because my classes are
much much less work now
(that’s what happens when you are
"an easy major" at MIT)
it is only 17 days until Micah is here
strangely enough
it is amazing/frustrating that we’re
already/only just past the halfway mark
between visits.
i feel physically numb;
i’ve forgotten what it feels like to be held
but there is a beautiful bouquet of roses
holding court over my desk,
crimson heads nodding approval as
j’ecris en francais
my phone rang at 8 am on Saturday
(Valentine’s Day, i’d semi-forgotten)
a delivery man was waiting at the locked door
and pushed the vase into my arms,
glad to be rid of them
so i shuffled back to my room, half asleep
disheveled, bath-robed
smiling
in a few days i will hang them upside down
to let them dry, so i can save them
and maybe in 20 or so years
i will open a shoe box full of moldering
petals and stems and i will say,
"the first roses you sent me,
do you remember?"
he will smile, wrinkles cut deep,
grey and silver in his hair and his eyes
and hand me another vase full of
red red roses
and kiss me like he always does,
like (i cross my fingers)
he always will.
so even if i can’t quite remember what
his lips feel like
(it always fades, after a few weeks)
thoughts like these help remind me
it is like riding a bicycle:
even if you don’t quite remember,
you never quite forget.

February 7, 2009

all right, all right;
it’s the end of week one
hard to believe that just 7 days ago
i was packing my bags
with sweatshirts, and jeans,
the teddy bear Micah gave me,
hand lotion and sweaters
i don’t think i’ve ever been as
exhausted as this week has left me –
after spending 6 weeks
on crutches, in wheelchairs,
and driving in cars,
just walking across campus is draining
(for those of you who hadn’t heard,
i had foot surgery just before Christmas –
left me with a broken bone, a metal plate, and
lots of narcotics)
classes this semester:
(yet again, another semester?
didn’t i just write this entry for the fall?)
general biochemistry
organic chemistry
francais IV
cognitive processes
infant & early childhood cognition
– so, one class more than ever before
(those last two are rumored to be terribly easy,
which makes up for the multiple
devoirs/essais/videos/examens
en francais)
those chem classes, well
they’re pre-requisites for almost everything else
how unenthralling
also this semester:
recording/editing/producing/selling
a brand new Muses CD!
UROP – probably in the same lab as last time
tutoring Maira, my lovely sophomore student
who loves math and wants to go to MIT
and perhaps a social life, maybe,
somewhere between the p and the sets.
tonight has been a difficult evening;
less than a week of being "home"
already wanting my home,
wishing i weren’t so tired all the time
and trying to pretend like 1200 miles
isn’t really so very far, else
i remember how hard it actually is, to
deal with the distance
i should consider myself lucky –
after this short semester, we will have
finished our second year; 1/2 through!
still,
Micah is out at a party tonight, and
here i am, little old me,
blogging away…feeling, like i too often do,
as if we are disconnected in spite of everything
it becomes impossible to pretend
we are living a life together
when we don’t even have the option of going
out; instead, when i’m finished
detailing my woes for the uninterested public,
i’ll go to bed, and try to sleep
and try not to worry about where he is,
or what he’s drinking, or how much.
it’s unfair of me to whine – i am lucky in so many ways,
we see each other a few times a semester
and go home to the same wonderful city
and in between we have cell phones and video chats
everything but,
late nights like tonight, when my body hurts,
my heart is a little heavy
i can close my eyes and almost remember what
it feels like to lie beside him in bed late at night
held so close that i can barely tell where i end
and he begins
but then, in that statement,
"almost" is the key word –
the "almost" is what kills, because "almost"
is never enough.

February 7, 2009

all right, all right;
it’s the end of week one
hard to believe that just 7 days ago
i was packing my bags
with sweatshirts, and jeans,
the teddy bear Micah gave me,
hand lotion and sweaters
i don’t think i’ve ever been as
exhausted as this week has left me –
after spending 6 weeks
on crutches, in wheelchairs,
and driving in cars,
just walking across campus is draining
(for those of you who hadn’t heard,
i had foot surgery just before Christmas –
left me with a broken bone, a metal plate, and
lots of narcotics)
classes this semester:
(yet again, another semester?
didn’t i just write this entry for the fall?)
general biochemistry
organic chemistry
francais IV
cognitive processes
infant & early childhood cognition
– so, one class more than ever before
(those last two are rumored to be terribly easy,
which makes up for the multiple
devoirs/essais/videos/examens
en francais)
those chem classes, well
they’re pre-requisites for almost everything else
how unenthralling
also this semester:
recording/editing/producing/selling
a brand new Muses CD!
UROP – probably in the same lab as last time
tutoring Maira, my lovely sophomore student
who loves math and wants to go to MIT
and perhaps a social life, maybe,
somewhere between the p and the sets.
tonight has been a difficult evening;
less than a week of being "home"
already wanting my home,
wishing i weren’t so tired all the time
and trying to pretend like 1200 miles
isn’t really so very far, else
i remember how hard it actually is, to
deal with the distance
i should consider myself lucky –
after this short semester, we will have
finished our second year; 1/2 through!
still,
Micah is out at a party tonight, and
here i am, little old me,
blogging away…feeling, like i too often do,
as if we are disconnected in spite of everything
it becomes impossible to pretend
we are living a life together
when we don’t even have the option of going
out; instead, when i’m finished
detailing my woes for the uninterested public,
i’ll go to bed, and try to sleep
and try not to worry about where he is,
or what he’s drinking, or how much.
it’s unfair of me to whine – i am lucky in so many ways,
we see each other a few times a semester
and go home to the same wonderful city
and in between we have cell phones and video chats
everything but,
late nights like tonight, when my body hurts,
my heart is a little heavy
i can close my eyes and almost remember what
it feels like to lie beside him in bed late at night
held so close that i can barely tell where i end
and he begins
but then, in that statement,
"almost" is the key word –
the "almost" is what kills, because "almost"
is never enough.