July 25, 2009

fought with Micah yesterday.
a big fight.  maybe the biggest.
and it started for a dumb reason,
but turned into a fight about
a lot of big things –
some things i didn’t even know
were a problem.
and for a few hours, i thought —
that’s it; we’re done.
because he was being block-headed,
and i was being block-headed
and a lot of things were said
that were really pretty mean
we are so different in some things
some important things
i love him more than i knew i could
but i don’t know how this will go
i feel like i’m always waiting for him –
to call, to text, to visit
even when we’re 1200 miles apart
my days are planned around him
and i want to do everything with him
so much that if he doesn’t want to
do something, neither do i (anymore).
i’m terrified that i feel so dependent
no, that’s not the right word;
i’m terrified that i feel so attached.
sometimes i wonder if i’m losing sight
of myself.
and – don’t think i’m a bad person –
but i miss meeting new people, and flirting
and dating, and i keep thinking
“we still have two years apart”
and there’s this little fear in my mind
because he keeps saying that
“after college, it will get better,
we can be the way we want to be”
with no arguments from his parents.
but what if that’s not how it is?
what if i get to the end of college,
four years of a long distance relationship
four years of sex with one person,
of missing out on parties and dances
and it isn’t any better?
maybe we’re just in two separate relationships
and the way i thought things were,
isn’t.
i don’t know.  i don’t want to question so much
but i don’t think love alone is enough.
i want to spend the rest of my life with him –
but maybe the person i want to spend my life with
isn’t him.

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