May 2, 2009

feeling kind of down
it’s a cool evening in early May
and i’m home, alone
as per usual
i spent four glorious days in St. Louis
not so long ago,
celebrating my birthday with Micah
one afternoon the sun was very bright
and the breeze was warm
so we sat outside next to a pond on campus
and put our hands in the water
to tease the coy fish
later we did homework
sitting on a blanket on the floor
until i got too bored
and started trying to raspberry his stomach
needless to say,
that ended in much wrestling, laughter,
and breathlessness.
i turned 20 on the 23
and yet again, i have to say –
i do not feel different.
it was a fairly low-key affair;
Micah was in rehearsal, so he did not
call at midnight.  my friends were all working
or gone.
so i came home after my own rehearsal
and slipped quietly into my second decade of life,
alone
life has been difficult, lately
too much work, and too little sleep
and insecurities long banished rearing their heads again
when i stay up late, waiting for a phone call
waiting to hear him say "i love you"
and when he does call, i know that he means it
so much that it hurts to think about
so i don’t understand why in between times
i can’t shake my sadness, and loneliness.
perhaps tonight is just worse;
he is singing in his spring concert this evening
in front of hundreds of SLU students
and his friends, and girls who will
get drunk later, and hang on the arms
of the acappella boys.
a year ago i was in the audience too;
i wish i could be again.
usually i fool myself into believing that we are
sharing our lives;
but my make-believe doesn’t make it real
the reality is,
we are not.  we have separate friends, separate
classes, separate cities, separate everything.
we can’t cook together, study together,
relax together, sleep together
i want to experience his world with him,
not through him.
i want him to experience mine.
mostly right now
i want to be sitting in the audience
with a proud smile on my face
because he’s up there singing his heart out
and he’s all mine.

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One Response to “”

  1. h0peurhappy Says:

    i spent my 20th birthday alone at the mall then came home early & went to bed. guys need to start being in the same state.


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