March 18, 2009

this morning i skipped my first class
and slept in until 11, because
it seemed more worth it.  it
feels like spring outside today.
i walked down the hall in my
white bathrobe (Micah’s Christmas gift to me)
turned on the shower
stripping naked and glancing in the mirror,
rounded curves, heavy thighs, pale
remembering who i am
our shower is tiny here;
a little grey-tiled cube
with a dingy blue plastic curtain
i stepped into the hot water, humming
last weekend Micah and i showered together
both of us squeezed into
too small a space; pressed against
each other, not minding.
we could barely turn around,
the water falling on and between us
his narrow waist, bony hips
slender wrists and knobbled fingers
soap film strung between us
sliding his hands over my skin
smooth and silky and slick
we talked and laughed, and gave
warm wet kisses – standing close
breast to chest and thigh to thigh
today, i stood in the shower by myself
and hummed a song alone
i felt naked, and sort of sad
because i liked our cramped showers –
shampoo in my eyes, and shuffling around
to rinse beneath the showerhead
squeezing and stretching and pushing
to get clean and be near each other.
too close was just close enough;
it felt right
i ran my own hands over my own skin
and did not feel quite so
smooth or silky or slick
part of me is missing again.
i listened to Caitlin giggling in the kitchen
with her new boyfriend, you remember –
that creep, Rob, who is still
"a really nice guy" and so they are still dating
i didn’t feel like humming anymore
and my throat felt a little tight
with the warm water running down my face and
back and chest, it became difficult
to tell if i was crying,
or if i just wanted to be.


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