happy holidays

December 24, 2008

lonely and hurting
and Micah’s family cares more about their
"game nights"
and "family events"
than they do about me, at home alone
so i lie here and try to think of things
that don’t remind me of how much my foot hurts
or how much i hate this selfish holiday
i find a certain irony:
a family that cares so much about service
about helping other people
on a holiday that’s all about
"spending time with the people you love"
won’t even let their 20 year old son
drive the mile to his girlfriend’s house
when she hurts so much she can’t see straight
because it’s "family time"
and he "needs to be there"
and i feel like i’m just a decoration;
maybe a distraction;
i’m only important so long as my needs
don’t interfer with his family’s
but when i ask for more,
for an exception to the rule
i become the selfish one for wanting him here
i’m made to feel guilty for being upset with his parents
for trying to act like i don’t exist
for brushing away my pain and sadness as if they didn’t matter
he keeps saying that i’m so important
that all he wants is to be here with me
but i don’t understand how you can say that
over and over again
and not make it happen;
if you want it, you make it work
and if it weren’t for these goddamn drugs
that leave me shaky, tired, and sad
i’d have driven myself over there in a heartbeat
because it matters to me
i feel like it doesn’t matter that much because
if it did he would be here;
if it did he would argue until he could make it work
because i don’t care what holiday it is,
i’m here and i’m in pain
and i just want someone to hold on to
because i haven’t felt this alone
in a long, long time
because i thought that i wasn’t alone;
but how do you live when there are conditions on your relationship?
"i’ll be there for you – as long as it’s okay with my parents"?

i do not feel very important
in fact i feel very very insignificant
it scares me because i’m terrified of losing him
but i can’t be in a relationship where i feel like this again
and we talked for hours last night,
trying to resolve things
but i don’t know if anything is going to change
or if he even really wants it to
and in the mean time it’s snowing outside,
yet again – on top of the 3 feet already on the ground
beautiful white snow
i wish i could use handfuls of it to rinse the tears off my face
but i can’t even get outside by myself.


2 Responses to “happy holidays”

  1. Uhg, I know how that is. It’s the worst part of having a boyfriend, in my opinion. And it sucks.

  2. lovelymouse Says:

    I’m sorry to hear that he’s acting that way. *hugs*

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