be still my heart

November 11, 2008

i’m not studying hard enough
even though i have a test tomorrow morning
because i’m more nervous about
the solo auditions at rehearsal tonight
which is quite silly, actually
as it’s unlikely i will get the solo
and my test grade is probably a much
more important thing to think about.
i feel lonely.
these last few days have been harder than usual,
i don’t know why
but i am craving his touch
i wish that i could separate my
emotions from my work,
so that i could just stop thinking about
things until after my test
11 days
very few, but still too many
when i’m feeling like this
Lindsay reappeared in our lives yesterday
after nearly a year of invisibility;
for those of you who haven’t heard,
she was Micah’s best friend during their senior year
and when we started dating, she threw fits
and screamed at him, hated me
and finally admitted that she was in love with him
he chose me anyway, and wanted
to keep her friendship
but she was hurtful, and selfish, and shallow
it only took Micah a semester to realize
that he deserved much better than what she offered
no, he didn’t send her away – he just let her go
and last night, by accident, she instant messaged me
we talked about him, and what happened between them
i wanted to tell her to go away and never bother him again
because he was worth so much more
than she could ever show him
she wants him back in her life; she says that she’s changed
she knows now what she lost.
i’m not sure if i believe her –
but it doesn’t really matter.
it’s not my decision to make.
i know that whatever happens, Micah is mine now;
i don’t mean that to sound egotistical,
but it’s true in its own way.
he’s bound to me, emotionally and physically –
i know him as she never has and never will
so i’m not afraid,
more just unsure about whether or not
i’m willing to forgive and forget.
what is it this week?
demons of the past all reappearing
people i thought i had banished from
my head forever,
suddenly wanting back into my life.
i don’t miss the past –
i don’t miss the way things were
today is perfect for me, in most ways
and the future is even better.
there isn’t really any point in all of this;
just procrastinating, really.


One Response to “be still my heart”

  1. I like the way you write =)

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