here it goes again

November 5, 2008

somehow i expected this;
yet again, somehow i didn’t
after a year and a half of
pretending i didn’t exist
suddenly he’s back
in my life; the third time
this time
i want him to turn around and
walk back out
yet at the same time i want
answers
i want to know why he lied
to me, why she was so much
better,
why he never looked at me,
only past me
and why that night, oh it’s so
long ago, now, but i still remember
how my phone rang and woke me up
and he told me that he loved me
but the next day texted to say
"i was drunk, i
don’t remember anything"
and that was how it felt:
as if he couldn’t remember
anything
like it had never happened
well
i don’t miss him;
i promise, i’m not fooling myself
because how could i miss that time
in my life?
how could i miss those nights alone
with cigarettes and dirty snow
walking to, from, away, anywhere
because i didn’t know anything
and i don’t miss
being in love for the sake
of hiding my loneliness
no i don’t miss him;
my life is beautiful, because of
my friends and my family
my school
and my love
who has shown me that
yes, there is someone who
deserves all of the love i have to give;
and yes, there is someone
who wants to give it all back

it’s just that
i would just like to know –
did you really love me?
or did you just say it,
because you didn’t know what else to say?
do you miss me?
do you wish you hadn’t left?
show me that it’s not my fault
because
well of course i know that it’s not
but i want you to prove it.

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