September 23, 2008

all right, so here is the secret:
i went to St. Louis this weekend!
i couldn’t write about it here
because Micah (sometimes) reads this;
i didn’t want to give it away.

i got back late last night
flying out of St. Louis as the sun set
and watching the way the rainbow
at the horizon faded
and the galaxies of cities lit up the ground beneath me
i couldn’t stop crying this time;
somehow it was worse than before
i felt like i was breaking
when i had to let go of his hand and walk through security
and looking back from the other side,
like i do every time
knowing that he was trying not to but crying anyway
blowing a kiss
i
hate
saying
goodbye
no one should ever have to
my life is full of so much beauty
but there are some times when
i just want to close my eyes and forget
because even though i am so, so lucky
it is still possible to hurt

we had a beautiful weekend;
a trip to the zoo, out for dinner on the Loop
visiting with his friends, making dinner together
watching his face as he bowed his head in mass
and feeling how strongly he believed
and i looked at him and could feel it too;
i could feel a presence in my life,
because we can’t be an accident,
not when loving him fills me so much.

and the last time we made love
faces close together,
lit up by the afternoon light
if i could make anything last forever,
it would be the look in his eyes
as he watched my face.

and here i am, procrastinating
as usual
hating myself for hating my circumstances
because i try to keep my life in perspective
and recognize the joy i have
after all, i am lucky to have someone who loves me so much
even so far away
but some nights, like tonight
when it’s cold and dark outside
and my heart hurts
i can’t help but want to scream injustice
no one should ever have to feel
as if their heart is far far away

it will be all right.  i know.
i just have to complain sometimes.

24 days.
not too many, is it?
i suppose,
except when you start missing someone
the instant they’re out of your sight,
it’s always too long.

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