June 7, 2008

last night
my mouth tasted like coffee
and clove cigarettes
and another bitterness worse than both;
the rain has been falling for two days.
last night
Micah’s brother got engaged
and i was invited to the party afterwards
Micah told me in the morning:
“it means that you’re becoming part of the family.”
last night
i put on my nice dress,
the one i got for my birthday
and did my hair and make up
i was so excited
to see him, and to look nice for him
and for his family.
but then 7:30 came and went
and i knew it might have been delayed because of the storms
so i kept waiting
and 8:30 came and went
and i said “he’ll call me soon”
so i kept waiting
and 9:30 came and went
and i thought, maybe they didn’t want me there after all
so i called up my best friend
and i said “let’s hang out”
when what i meant was,
“let’s do something stupid”
i went out into the thunderstorms,
out into the floods that are
washing away the bridges
in this pathetic town of mine,
i drove through the rain so thick
my windshield wipers didn’t seem to help.
i felt –
last night –
everything seemed to be breaking apart
and we sat at Johnny V’s
and i smoked clove cigarettes,
even though they were old
and the taste in my mouth was foul
but i could pretend that it was because of the smoke
and not my hurt feelings.
when he did call me, it was 4 hours late.
he didn’t apologize the first time,
didn’t even seem to understand
that i had sat at home for hours,
all dressed up with no where to go.

i told him
“you are my knight in shining armor;
don’t be like everyone else”
i cried because
it felt like paul.  it felt  like
those nights when i would wait for hours
to hear from him
it is so hard to comprehend
that he is only human.
he’s just a person, he isn’t magical
and he had no idea
he cried when i told him
how nice i had looked, how excited i was
he felt awful because he always tells me
“you are everything to me, you’re my priority”
but last night i felt like the last thing on his list.

i’m in the strangest place now
i haven’t felt so lost in a year.
i don’t want him to be human;
i want him to be my dream
but sometimes our humanity comes screaming through
when you least expect it.


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