out there on the road

May 11, 2008

i always seem to have trouble staying focused on my work
when nothing is due for a while.
i’m done for the semester – just
a few more days of class, and my finals are next week
i’ll be home in 10 days.
i don’t have anything more due, just studying.
it’s a funny thought, to be so close to being done
it’s almost unreal.  i’ve been looking forward to it
for so long, i can’t understand that it’s almost here.
10 days feels like a long time, but
i’ve had so much worse.  this time,
three months at home
without a single p-set to worry about.
i know that time is flying past me,
i know that the world is
rushing to meet me.
i am almost 25% finished with college
it doesn’t sound like that much, does it?
but it’s huge!

wasn’t it just the other night that i kissed him
hard enough to bruise my lips,
wanting him to leave a mark on me
so i wouldn’t forget?
whispering “i love you” when i’d promised myself
i wouldn’t fall in love
the way he held me so tight i couldn’t breathe,
“i don’t want you to go” muffled against my hair
watching him walk away
hands and faces wet with both our tears
holding on to the door frame to stop myself from
falling or running after him, i don’t know which.
and wasn’t it this morning when my mother
drove me to the airport in the early light
i felt my world shrink into a pinpoint
when the sun rose over the lake,
knowing that i might never feel that same
feeling again.
it looked like watercolors thrown against the sky,
and my heart aching for a thousand things that don’t have names
and one thing that does.

here i am on the verge of another starting point:
three months of breathing space to re-explore my life
after 9 months away from the people who know me best
but might not anymore
my friendships have changed – some are closer,
some are farther, some might not ever change.
so much planned, and so much to do
spur of the moment
and who knows what the future holds?
except for great things, and changes.
and oh, i am so looking forward
to this time.


May 9, 2008

Micah got me this for my birthday this year:

the original Polaroid sx-70.
because over Christmas i’d confessed my secret adoration
for polaroids, how they hold that
that you can’t get with any other kind of film
and the out of focus look, the distorted
faded colors
almost otherwordly, almost
something forgotten but found again.
so he bought me a camera and it actually works
and i don’t want to know how much it cost
and the pictures are distorted and blurred and
not very clear but they hold this
softness, and the way
the pictures glow
you understand?  here.
these are the pictures i’ve taken so far
(that have turned out).

[first picture i took; overexposed; had to use 600 film with the sx, which you’re not supposed to do.]

[beautiful.  taken with a modified filter, aka a sunglasses lense.]

[roses on my window sill]

May 6, 2008

i was going to write about
how all i want is to
go home right now –
except then i had a reality check:
working my ass off for my dream
is the best possible thing i could be doing.
and even though this class seems worthless,
it will be over in two weeks
and this test will be done by this time tomorrow.

springtime has hit Boston at long last;
the field is green and i hear
softball games in the afternoons
it makes it hard to focus on studying –
i wanted it to rain this afternoon so i could
feel like sitting at my desk was a good thing.
the tree outside my window
has been slow to bud; but finally,
i see some green
and the air smells like apple blossoms.

Micah just called to say hello
and tell me that he loves me
and that i should call him when i go to bed,
like i always do.

even when things seem so terrible and i just
want to go to sleep and pretend like
there’s nothing more to do here,
even when my friends flake out and
sometimes i wonder if i should be somewhere else –
less expensive, closer to him, anything –
here it is, now:
this is my place,
and i am becoming happy here
even if it’s not as easy as i thought it would be.

i am a terribly lucky person.

May 4, 2008

he dedicated the song to me, but i didn’t catch it on film.

May 4, 2008

yes, these are the worst
because i can still feel it
and my eyes are so very tired
and there’s an awful lot to do
17 days now – less than
remember this time last semester,
how quickly it went.
home so soon;
i never knew i’d miss it so much.