memories

May 13, 2008

i have spent the better part of these
last few days
thinking about this year instead of
worrying about my finals. 
i honestly can’t believe how much has happened;
it’s a little frightening to think about,
in very many ways.
so often i am wishing time away
yet, somehow
this time is almost gone and
i don’t know where it went.
Micah and i spoke for hours last night
of how things happened last summer;
there was a lot that i never spoke about there,
so i think i’ll talk a bit about it now.

he and i met in June; my best friend has
always had this party in the early summer,
where everyone loads up on the water balloons and
squirt guns and we all put on our swim suits
and pretend we’re more like 10 than we are like 20
Micah was there with a friend of his,
and neither of them knew many of the guests.
i came down the stairs in my blue bikini and cut offs,
they were standing there in the front hall
no of course it wasn’t love at first sight!
but i did notice his smile, the way that his face
seemed to open up with it and
the fight was girls vs. boys so
i chased him; i didn’t realize he was a cross country runner.
and when i cut my foot on a rock and sat on the curb
he put down his water gun and sat down next to me
i noticed how bright his eyes were and how
he kept them on mine.

he sent me an email telling me to call him
once he was back in town from a trip,
so i called him up one Monday afternoon and
we went to see a movie and then out for coffee
and we talked about so much!
after that we kept talking, on the phone and
in person and all of the time
i kept saying “you won’t fall in love, oh no you won’t”
how hard we both fought against it,
how much i wanted him to stop being so wonderful
and start being just like everyone else
how paul still lingered in my head
now i know how he struggled, too –
how he was still half in love with Lindsay,
his best friend, who threw fits when she found out about me
how he never told me about his inexperience,
and i never found out because he never hesitated

it was in my head from the beginning, that i would
lose him too. and more than anything, i wanted him
to be the one that i could take it all the way with;
i didn’t want a deadline.
the night that we first talked about it, i was driving him
back to his house. parked in the dark of the minivan
i could see his face only in shadows
he kissed my hands and i started to cry
because no one had ever kissed my hands like that before,
just as no one had ever told me that
i made them happy;
just as no one had ever told me that
i was abeautiful person.

and oh, the night i left, how every second seemed to cut
my digital clock dictating every minute passing
when that moment came, he never hesitated
i gave him the only thing i had left to give,
because it was the only way i could think of
to tell him that he already had everything else.
the way he held me, i knew he understood
and the way he looked at me,
i knew he was giving it all back.

i was only lying to myself when i said i would be all right
but i think he knew it; and i think he knew
as i did, deep down
that we weren’t saying “goodbye”, not really
i think we both knew that we both wanted it
but we were too afraid then.

i remember being at boot camp, how i cried myself to sleep
and i kept myself going by thinking of him.
and when i finally called him again, how the sound of his voice
just flooded into me.
and the first few weeks were so strained
because i didn’t want to let go but i knew i had to
so when he stopped saying “i love you” i did too
and i stopped myself from dialing his number
and i tried to pretend like i wanted to meet new people.

it wasn’t until Lindsay told him that she was
in love with him, too.  and he called me,
so upset, because he thought he might love her too
but more than anything, he missed me
i just told him that i loved him, and that i wanted him happy
he told me he loved me, too
since that day, i don’t think we’ve had one
where he hasn’t told me that.
and he tells me so many things –
so many things about how i affect him
he claims to be the lucky one.

and here i am a week from being with him again,
this time for three months – the longest time
we’ll have ever spent together
and every day i’m getting closer to the day
when i don’t have to say “goodbye” again.

i can’t say it enough times;
i want the whole world to know
how in love i am.

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3 Responses to “memories”


  1. That’s an amazing story

  2. schizometria Says:

    This is lovely. 🙂

    i gave him the only thing i had left to give,
    because it was the only way i could think of
    to tell him that he already had everything else.
    the way he held me, i knew he understood
    and the way he looked at me,
    i knew he was giving it all back.

    I love this.


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