March 5, 2008

9 days this time and
well, the semester’s nearly half over
can you believe that?
i know i can’t.
i could be out of ROTC in as little as
three weeks
(three weeks!)
i could be $80,000 in debt
but then again,
this Friday i’m meeting with the
head of financial aid; the director himself
all because i made a lot of noise
and wrote in the paper
and sent angry emails
now maybe they’ll give me more money
just so i shut up.
i wouldn’t mind.
i just want to start the rest of my life
this is so different from before because
somedays it feels so tangible
like i’m already almost there
i’m so close to the other side,
the place where i’m no longer
doing what “needs” doing
doing only what i want to do.

i dreamed last night i was watching a plane crash
into a wide open field of green grass
on a rainy afternoon.
i was in the backseat of the station wagon
and my father, sitting in the front seat,
was crying with his face in his hands.
i leaned forward to comfort him
but i woke up before my hand touched his shoulder.

my father believes that his life is a failure
because everything he’s ever wanted seems to have gone wrong.
the only dream he had that came true
was to have a family
and even that’s not perfect,
what with me, the rebellious daughter
and my brother, the son who doesn’t want to go to college
about the only one who turned out right
is my sweet little sister
i’m pretty sure no one can find anything wrong with her.

i want my father to see
that hope isn’t a feeling, it’s an action
and dreams aren’t impossible, they’re goals.
when i’m at home i watch him die inside every day
trapped in a job he hates
with people he hates
i want him to understand that i am doing this
because i won’t let my life end up that way.
i want him to have the courage to reach for his own dreams again
to lose the weight,
to quit the job,
to try and remake himself.
he’s only 45; it’s really not that old.

i have so much to do before Micah comes
only 9 days
finally i can show him what my city is like
but first,
i need to pass these exams.

i’m sorry this isn’t more eloquent,
i just needed to talk about my father for a while.

i love him.
i wish he could see that he has things to be proud of,
and things to be happy about.


One Response to “”

  1. That’s really scary because last night I dreamt I was IN a plane crash…

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