February 2, 2008

i was a little drunk last night,
so i’ll put it in layman’s terms this time:
like i said before,
i’m a freshman
(at MIT, no less…cue awesome gasp
just kidding)
here’s the thing:
it costs as much as
a new house
to attend this school for four years
and my family falls into that
“middle class” category
where the government is
pretty sure my parents
well of course they have that
$25,000 of free cash each year
not like we have a mortgage
cars, pets, siblings,
repairs, taxes, debts
everything.
so MIT tells me “your parents need to pay
$25,000 a year – so sorry if they can’t.”
my mother tells me that
if i leave the Navy, if i give up the scholarship
(which means giving up full tuition
but also weekly classes, required events,
time consumption, being with people i dislike,
being taught to kill, being taught to obey without question,
and a 4 – 8 year stint in the Navy after i graduate)
i’ll destroy my life, she says,
because this is “such an opportunity”
but an opportunity for what?
to hate myself? to deny my beliefs?
to give up those years in my twenties
when i want to be married,
have children, start a career.
so my mother makes me feel like
a stupid child, tells me that
i’m wrong and ignorant
that i don’t know what i’m doing
and now i can’t trust her with anything
because everything she’s ever taught me
was that i should do what is
right by me, but now i see that
it had to be right by her, first.
and here i am at 18,
not really sure what to do next
because the person i’ve trusted most in my life
has quite suddenly lost all of the trust she ever had
i get terrified some nights because
i know that two can do this;
but if something happens and if i lose Micah,
i lose so much.
and it’s scary because now i’m
building my life’s plans around someone else
not just myself
i can’t help but remember people
who said that they wouldn’t forget about me
but forgot anyway
and i’m so afraid that it could happen again
mostly this just happens when i’m alone;
12 days from today i’ll be on my way to St. Louis
and things will be all right again
at least for a little while
anyway, who ever heard of an MIT grad
living on the streets?

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One Response to “”

  1. brookeisall Says:

    i found you

    from one of my friends lj,and i just got interested in reading your journal,and yeah; military is probably the worse choice i’ve ever made.i’ve been in for almost a year, but i’m getting discharged. honorable, but still i feel as if this past year was just a complete waste of time. The military is not for everyone,and it just seems from reading your entries, that is wouldnt be something for you.

    i can’t make your choice, i can only give you my opinion.

    and i’m brooke by the way.


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