February 1, 2008

panic attacks
and sometimes i can feel
it clawing at my throat
and i can’t breathe, i can’t
think, i just
want to go away
how can i do this?
what am i doing with my life?
my mother keeps telling me
‘you’re throwing away everything,
you are
destroying your life’
but
how can i destroy something that
i’m not even sure it’s begun
and i just don’t know
i never know
if i’m doing the right thing,
i’m just guessing
like a blind bird, not really
sure which way is
up or down?
does anyone every know?
does it ever get easier
to decide what’s right or wrong?
jesus fucking christ
$90,000 is a fuck a lot
and well,
i’m just so terrified of
everything
loans, debt, money,
losing my family,
losing him.
and if i lost Micah, what then?
i just don’t know anything
i’m just going off of my
instinct and well,
the idea of being alone
it’s so frightening
but how alone would i feel
if i made the wrong choice?

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One Response to “”

  1. schizometria Says:

    I believe there is no such thing as right or wrong, your acts cannot be good/bad. They can be judged by others, but there is no one person who’s opinion could be worth more than your own or anyone else’s. Your entries are pretty cryptic, so I don’t know exactly what the conflict is, but doing whatever you enjoy, whatever makes you feel good is almost always a good idea.
    I hope things turn out alright. ♥


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