procrastinating a final project

December 9, 2007

8 pages down
6 to go
it’s so hard to concentrate knowing that
10 days from right now, i’ll be home again
this time for a while, this time
God i can hardly stand it
and here’s a strange thing i realized:
exactly one year ago
i was accepted to MIT
“happy anniversary!” my mother told me
it causes me to feel funny
in my chest;
a year?  was it really?
oh, i don’t know
it’s just that
i really used to think i knew who i was;
that i wasn’t going to change much,
as time went by
but who i am today
good God!
i thought i liked myself and my
life; how could i know i was wrong?
and here it goes again
what will i be like a year from now?
still in love, i hope
still happy
still knowing what i want
(did i ever know what i wanted before?
or did i only assume that what i had
was what i wanted
because it was all i had?)
this Friday, well
i’ll have met Micah exactly six months ago
funny, isn’t it?
six months in my life
six months feeling like a lifetime
some days i wonder how i got by before i knew him
and i wonder what i would do now
if i didn’t.

we talked for hours last night;
we talked about the night before
i left for this place
and how watching him drive away
it hurt me so badly i couldn’t stand;
i had to hold onto the doorframe
and i couldn’t see for the tears
those weeks where we
tried to pretend we weren’t still in love;
the first time he hung up the phone without saying
“i love you”
broke my heart more than it had ever been broken before.
i cried for an hour after.
now i know that it wasn’t because he didn’t love me;
it was because he loved me enough
that he wanted me to be able to heal
and go on with my life
with or without him

and every day i am still grateful
i never take him for granted
i am not trying to impress
i am not afraid of losing
i am not fulfilling an obligation
everything i do for him i do because i want to do it
with everything that i am
i want to show him how happy he makes me,
how safe he makes me,
how full my life is because of him
what love was to me a year ago
is what sadness is to most people
what love is to me today –
well, it’s sunshine in my eyes.

i always used to say
“i cannot love except with everything that i am”
and that is still true;
and i have finally found someone
who is in love with everything that i am
and loves me
with everything that he is.
so often people ask me how i can do this;
how i can stand to be so far away.
i usually just smile, and shrug, and say
“he’s worth it”
but what i really mean is
how could i stand not to be?
he’s inescapable.
and he’s not going away;
for the first time,
someone’s keeping his promise.


One Response to “procrastinating a final project”

  1. We are almost done. We are almost done. WE ARE ALMOST DONE! Just keep pushin’ through, that’s what I’m doing! I know that school rapes you everyday, and now that it’s finals it’s probably more like the equivilent of unlubricated anal rape. But in just another week we’ll all be home and you can be with your friends and Micah!

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