November 16, 2007

i wonder sometimes if it’s hypocritical of me
to be so in love
with someone when six months ago
i was convinced that i loved paul with all of my heart. 
it seems wrong, somehow, to put him and Micah in the same place;
to have used the same words to both of them
– “i love you’ –
it feels bad.  i don’t like it. 
part of me thinks that i don’t like it because i knew i loved paul
i was so sure of it, i was –
but what i feel for Micah is so dramatically different,
so incredibly real and fulfilling in a way that paul never could be.
paul felt like empty air, like winter darkness
icicles inside of me.
he twisted up the insides of me and turned my world over
he was exciting and quirky and spontaneous
and i believed that was what i wanted, to be
kept on my toes and i never knew
what was going on, and i told myself
it was okay, that’s how it was supposed to be.
but now it, well, the best i can describe it is
waking up on a sunny Sunday morning in a warm bed
grass between my toes in the summertime
a soft wind on my face, the smell of fresh coffee
my life is like a smile because of him.
no matter how bad it gets or how much pressure i’m under,
i can’t help but be happy.
when i read what was written on the 10 of july,
i wonder who that girl was –
the girl i used to be.
when my world seemed so unstable,
snapping, crushing, exploding,
pieces of glass on my insides.
those nights when all i could do was shake
all of me screaming for something to change
that night in july when i learned about what david had done
crying until i couldn’t breathe
biting my hands until they bled to keep the sobs in.
but now, i can’t remember what fear feels like
because i know he’s always there
even if i can’t reach out and touch him,
he’s just a phone call away.

i love who i am today
because he loves who i am today
and i can’t help but think that
if he loves me so much, then well,
i must be someone worth loving.

the most beautiful person i have ever known
i can see it in his face when he looks at me,
even when we’re a thousand miles apart, the magic of
skype brings him into my room
and sometimes he’ll just
stop talking and stare, like there’s nothing in this world
that he’d rather be looking at.
“you are so beautiful,” he tells me
and i must just be his echo, because it’s all i can say back.

and when i look at this picture:

i can’t help but feel that
five days is five days too many.


2 Responses to “thinkings”

  1. I’m so happy that you’ve found someone like this, Alie.

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