it’s far too early (late?)

July 10, 2007

just when things were under control
when thinking of you
well i knew it wasn’t my fault
and i could fool myself into thinking
that it didn’t matter if i ever spoke to you again, i kept telling myself
this isn’t your fault, i would say
and i am so much better than him.  i will not be hurt again, because i know 
well i lied to you
i lied to myself
and i don’t want to regret anything in my life
i hate regrets
because i can’t change what’s happened, i couldn’t stop it then and i can’t stop it now
and if i start regretting things i will never learn to live with myself because i will always be afraid
i will do things i will regret
i do not want to regret my life, my love, my friends, my family, my choices, my feelings
i can’t regret
i will die first.
i am refusing to regret this, i am refusing to regret the choices i made
no, i am saying, i will not because i must do what is right by me and so much of me wishes that it could be right by you, too
because i’ve told you before and i’ll tell you again even if i never see you or hear from you
i will always love you in some way or another
you will always be more a part of me than i am of myself
and that is so wrong, it is so backward, it is against everything i believe
i cannot live for you or through you
i can only live for myself and i can’t, i absolutely will not let myself want you to live for me or through me
i will not do it.
i love you so much
and when you called and woke me up, i looked at the clock at it was almost 2 am and i answered the phone and
“hello?” i said
“hey,” you said, and i knew the voice but i was still asleep and you said “i don’t suppose you recognize my voice,”
“Micah?” i said, because it sounded a little like him
“Micah?” you asked and all of the sudden i was awake and you were in my ear and everything disappeared and you were there and i could see you, i could hear you, i could almost taste you again and suddenly i knew that it didn’t matter and i have never been more afraid in my life because God, it will never change and i have to make it, i have to force it to change.  i want so badly for you to come back to my life but i know that you will never let yourself love me like i love you and i know that i will never make you as happy as i want you to be and i need to know, i need to know that you are happy somewhere else and even if it is not with me as long as you are happy and you scare me so much.
i miss you so much.
and when i realized it was you i said the only thing i could think of, i was so shocked “why are you calling me?” i asked, knowing that my voice was tight and my heart was slamming in my throat.  “i am drunk,” is what i think you said, or it was somewhere in there, i can’t remember.  but you were drunk and you were calling me and i thought…i thought…i don’t know, my heart squeezed in for a second and i thought you were drunk dialing me and we made small talk and yousaid “i’m sorry” and i knew you didn’t mean it about the drunk dial i knew you meant it for everything and i could hear it, i could feel that you meant it more than you’ve ever meant it before and i couldn’t breathe and i said “i have to go” and hung up the phone and you called me back but i couldn’t bring myself to answer i just let the call go past and when i checked my voicemail you said “i’m sorry” and then you said the thing i didn’t think i would ever hear you say and i don’t know if it breaks me or makes me but you said “i love you” and i heard you say it and I want so much for you to mean it.
“i love you”
i love you.
i called you back and i wanted to be angry a part of me wanted to scream at you “why did you call me?” i asked “why are you calling me?”and you are so unhappy, i can hear it in your voice, and don’t you understand that all i have ever wanted for you was to be happy and you must be happy with yourself before you can be happy anywhere else, Paul, don’t you understand?  you need to be not afraid.  people get hurt, Paul, they get hurt by you or by me or by someone else or by themselves but they are going to get hurt and they are going to stay hurt and Paul there is nothing you can do you can’t stop it!  you can’t, don’t you understand, you have to do what is right by you and worry about everyone else second. 

“you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness”

can’t you see that?

i am thankful for every second i have ever spent with you.

you could be so much someday.

on the phone you said “do you remember you told me that you didn’t want me to move to Boston?  so i didn’t.”  and i said, “i know.  i lied.”  and it’s too late to change it because you are going away and i am going away and isn’t that what you told me?  and i said that i didn’t want you to move to Boston because then i was afraid of you knowing how much i loved you and i said that i didn’t want you to move to Boston because i knew that you wanted to go to France and i didn’t want you to move to Boston because i wanted you to move to Boston but because YOU wanted to move to Boston.  because you wanted to move to Boston to be with me.  because i wanted to be that important to you.

and that night when you showed me how to make a plaster cast and you asked me if i would elope with you and i said “yes.” and you looked at me with wide-eyed disbelief, those beautiful brown eyes like trees and coffee and chocolate and you smiled at me and i meant it so much.  

please learn to be happy with yourself.
that’s all i want for you
it’s all i’ve ever wanted for you
i’ve only wanted for you to be as happy
as i always was with you.

i miss you every day.
know that.

you were drunk and you were awake and you kept saying “how the fuck am i supposed to know what to do?” and “i hurt so many people” and 
i said “don’t regret the past” and you said
“every time i want to write or i want to call i don’t because i know it hurts you”
and i said “it doesn’t matter, write me anyway.”
and you said “what do i write about?”
and i said “write about anything.”
and you said “i don’t write”
and i said “Paul, if you write me a letter every week or if i never speak to you again, you know that how i feel about you will never change.”
you said “how do you feel about me?  say it, please, say it again, say how you feel about me.”
i said “i love you”
and there was a silence and i heard you breathe in and i swear i could feel your breath against my cheek and i wished so much that you were there so i could put out my hands and touch your face
you said “i love you, too.”
and i hung up the phone.

i love you.
i mean it.
know that.

i have to find a way to be okay.
somehow.
i know that i can do this
because i know that i love you
and i know that i can’t change it.

i’m going back to sleep.

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