fuck

June 4, 2007

tonight coming home “chasing cars” was on the radio and i started to cry like i always do.  i couldn’t help but think, couldn’t help but remember that night when we saw him sing that song and he was just a silhouette against the lights with his arms in the air and he sang like there was nothing except for the singing and his hands were black against the blue and you could see it, you could see it in his face that all he needed was to be there and then.  there was nothing beyond that moment and so rarely i feel so perfect these days so few times in recent weeks and i just want to get out of here i want to keep running and moving and never stop because i want time to keep passing until it can stop safely again i want to not think too hard about things anymore

tonight i came home and i got the message that you’re with her (thank you [fuck you] facebook).

i’m remembering when we watched that movie together, that one “stranger than fiction” and when harold crick brings anna pascal the flours, don’t you remember?  and it was so adorable, he was just standing there holding that box and you were lying there holding me and it was one of those moments with the black hands againsthe blue lights and time was stopped or at least it didn’t matter

i hate to think of you with someone else because it makes me feel like you never cared if you were with me or not.  you were always with her all along; i told you before, you were always turned away from me and no matter how many times you said it mattered no matter how many times you said you cared it doesn’t stop this from  hurting it doesn’t stop me from doubting it doesn’t stop me from thinking you lied lied lied lied because so many people lie to me, it’s happened each time i’ve cared so much it’s like my  love is an invitation for a lie and all i ever ask for is honesty and i don’t want to ask for anything anymore because asking means refusal means disappointment

i am settling for so much less than i deserve because each time i push myself down a little farther, i make a few less demands, i take a few more blows.  i am so much better than this and i know that i know that somewhere there is someone who can love me more than i can think of, who can love me so much that i will drown in it i know there has to be someone out there like that because i can’t be the only one, can i?  i have so much love in me it hurts it just wants to spill out always.  why do i love you?  why should i care?  i shouldn’t, i won’t, i’m forcing myself to let go of you as you let go of me i just can’t do it as quickly i’m not as strong as that and i loved you so much more.  unconditional; you never gave me a reason to love you like i did, but i did it all the same.

i wish so badly that you could have loved me because really i just want to be loved and maybe that’s why i’m willing to put in everything to give up everything for someone because if i can make the ultimate sacrifice i pray and beg that they can make that sacrifice for me.  

i miss you every day and i hate having you in my head.  i wake up mornings wanting to see you from dreams that you were sleeping beside me.  i want you to get out, to go away.  don’t come back to this country, stay there, i can’t bear to see you.  please.  seven months went by and i was almost able to let go of you and you came back and i took another chance but i can’t take anymore chances because i’m done with chance and i need to be done with you.  

stay away from me, please.  it’s the least you can do.

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