May 13, 2007

i have my new MIT email address.  i am really, really, seriously for real actually going to college.

not sure how i feel about that.

i’m writing a book.  i think.  i hope.  maybe it can be my summer project.  along with getting a job.  i want to be a waitress again; i love the people that you meet, and the viewpoints you hear when you are waiting tables.  it’s an experiment in psychology.  

Paul left for France again the other day.  it’s been a really tough few weeks with the whole situation.  i have never cared unconditionally for someone before.  there was a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of confusion between us, but we went for a walk the night before he left and i think it will be okay.  my logical self sometimes wishes that i hadn’t fallen in love with such an unlikely, disorganized, detached and confusing person, but i am beginning to see that i am not the only one who cares.  knowing that he misses me makes it easier.  i didn’t understand before; i thought it was because of me, but it was really because of who he has to be.  and that’s okay.  what is meant to be is what will be; this was not meant to be, because it is not.  kind of that whole Candide “best of all possible worlds” philosophy.

it is almost summer.  i love this point in the year, when everything starts to get so hot and humid, when the air is honeyed and heavy and the sunlight is everywhere and in everything.  it is like walking through showers of summer every day.  being out in this weather, i can feel the sunlight soaking through to my bones and the way it falls on my face and the breeze from the lake and the late, empty nights that give me strange aches in my stomach, a wanting to walk until i can’t walk anymore.

graduation is soon and there is a lot to do.  Erin and i will make sundresses and walk in the dappled park in the day time.  yoga in the backyard in the morning.  waiting tables at night.  going down to the east side on weekends.  the beach, Chicago.  so much.  i want to make this a full summer; it is the last time i will live in this city.

but we still have a few weeks left.


One Response to “ramblings”

  1. You should read Leibniz. The “best of all possible worlds” thing is pretty interesting, along with the Monadology (although it does sound like a terrible disease).

    The optimism presented in Candide ends up being more imprisoning than anything in the original source.

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