on my birthday

April 23, 2007

i don’t smoke.  i bought a pack of cigarettes today – camel ultra lights.  just because i could.  the man at the counter, he was old, there were liver spots on his face and he didn’t ask for my ID.  i think i might go and sit on my balcony tonight and smoke them, one by one, and think about all of the things i could and should be doing.  watching the way the neighbor’s yard light reflects off the pool cover, remembering that i have a paper to write, considering how much more important it is to let the rain soak through my shirt.  a watery darkness, a cool, pale feeling of solitude and serenity.  

i have been neglecting the clouds on the ceiling of the bathroom.  the streetlamps miss me.  i miss them more.

smoking cigarettes, camel ultra lights, i’m wondering when you’re coming home.  thursday sometime, i don’t know when.  you’re seeing her this week, probably tomorrow morning if you haven’t already.  i’m not sure if things will change.  i’m not sure if i want them to.

i know what i think i want.  i don’t know if it’s right.  it’s not mine to want, anyway.  sitting on my balcony, i’ll consider these things, i’ll wonder about these next two weeks and the next three months and next fall and next year.  i used to be so certain, but with you things are never constant, and it always seems okay that way.

18 doesn’t feel any different than 17 doesn’t feel any different than 16, i keep getting older but sometimes it feels like i’m just turning around on myself most of the time.

smoking cigarettes just because i can.

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One Response to “on my birthday”


  1. wonderful//
    blow smoke towards the moon.


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