testing the waters

February 7, 2007

i just found my journals from last summer.  i’d forgotten so many of the things i wrote.  i used to be in love, remember?

august 3rd, 2006
love is honesty?  love is passion?  love is respect?  love is companionship?  love is love is love is love.  synonyms?   only in other languages.  burning, breaking, breath-taking.  look at yourself, here alone, sitting by the water like some great fool, chin turned up, head craned back, straining to find Polaris and seeing a shooting star instead.  Casseopia lounging on a faint chaise, silken handkerchief blowing away in the wind to land in a cottony, soft heap on the horizon.  spreading over the sky until the world is covered, gently wrapped and tucked into a pocket somewhere for safe keeping.

august 15th, 2006
it’s a kind of compulsive fear – if my existence is denied, do i stop being?  kind of like the whole mirror question – who is the reflection?

august 19th, 2006
look at those smiles, so enamored, so ecstatic.  look at how wonderful you look, look at the beauty of you.  i wanted to cry and scream and reach inside my head and pull out every memory of him that i have, every little maggoty thought that worms and squirms itself into my mind, every broken edge, every shard, every splinter.  i wanted him there in front of me – to pummel or to adore, i don’t know.  to look at, to memorize.  to touch, to convince myself of the reality.

i let a handful of paper fly from my hand.  the wind from the east blew it westward, and it flashed – white moths, white butterflies, scattered feathers – it flashed in the light of the flagpole and disappeared into nothing.  and a little part of me eased back into place.

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