super heroes

January 17, 2007

oh, high school

i’m looking for a way out.  i’m wanting to
fast forward.  i’m wishing things hadn’t changed
or would change again
or that it was Friday
or Monday, i don’t really care.
arbitrary capitalization – the phrase is interesting, look at it, try saying it out loud.
Arbitrary Capitalization.
i want to keep drawing, i don’t want to think anymore.  i want to solve algebraic equations for hours on end, mindlessly,
numb.  i want answers without consideration, fixes without problem solving.  i am so tired of trying to make things make sense.

i want my phone to ring and ring and ring and ring, because i want to not feel so restless.  i would like to go out for a drive, to go out for a cruise, to go crashing through the streets of Brew City with the music up too loud and my heart a little too light.  i keep picking things up and putting them down again, i keep standing and moving but not going anywhere.  my coffee is getting cold, my toes are stiff and sore.  is it still January?  is it already January?  am i still again also already in high school?  is it college yet?  

i feel a little hollow, a little cracked, a little crazy, a little hazy.  sort of smooshed and angry and resentful and falling in and out of love.  wanting to feel safe again.  wanting to feel wanted.  wanting to not want to be wanted.  (yeah.  i make sense.  okay.)

i feel like screaming, or laughing.  snow.  sand boxes.  sketches.  sleep.  pictures of us, of them, of him and her, pictures are mine when i take them or make them.  i miss the dark room.  and the beach – lazy dripping summer afternoons, dozing in the sun, drowning in light, existing and not existing.  my friends and late nights, bottles of cheap booze and scorched pipes, all of those sweet summer smells.  

i’d like to sleep until springtime.


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