on this night of all nights

December 27, 2006

you you aim to hurt, you are not truly looking at me but at what i think i might have been i am angry and i am broken i am screaming without any sound you are hurting me hurting me hurting me Erin and Julia and i ran around the block i ran until i thought my lungs might burst outwards, shining light, pouring onto the street the lights were so bright, they were the colors of dreamsicles, the color of dreams, the color of my nightmares these days and i kept falling down but i was still breathing, i kept dropping to my knees inside my mind but my legs were still moving i was still running and i was still breathing, still breathing, my heart was still beating that powerful feeling that intimacy because a heartbeat tells you that we are the same, we are just as mortal as anyone else no matter what that second seems like a heartbeat never really slows and time never really stops.  i can’t believe that you would lie to me, i don’t understand how anyone can treat anyone else like that.  i want to scream and cry and hit things, i want to throw rocks in your windows at your face i want to tear your canvases from their frames i want to pour red red paint (blood) on your drawings and your sculptures i want you to see that there is nothing beautiful in the world, you cannot make beauty you can’t because you are not as powerful as you think you are, you are not immortal!  we are all going to die one way or another, i can only laugh and the smoke that billows from my mouth tastes of ozone and winter reminds me of summer reminds me of being happy, or at least content.  i can open my eyes wide and stare up at the dark sky, a hollowed out moon and hiding stars and streetlights like the Christmas Beacon, shining in neon glory.  the three of us held each other and i have never been more in love.  i saw your face for the first time since that night in June when you made believe that it was still something when i hoped that our Nothing could be Something because i loved being in love and i loved loving you.  your eyes are so dark and your face is so angular, everything about you cuts me somewhere that i can’t reach i want to break you i want to bite you and make you bleed, to taste the blood of you on me because YOU CANNOT DENY ME i will run until there is nothing left running for, until there isn’t anything but MYSELF i keep wanting not to care i keep wanting not to hurt i will fall again and again i will press my face into white snow and breathe the ice i cannot love except with everything that exists of me.  i cannot give anything but my honesty, i cannot give anything but my trust i will be anything and everything for you, i am so full of love that it hurts me.

i don’t know what i want from you anymore except for honesty, the one thing i asked you for.  i don’t know what i want except to see what the reflections of the snow look like in your eyes, i want you to be there for me like i asked you such a long time ago.  i want you to care.  i want to know that you care.  i want to know that i am not alone and that i will survive this, i am going to be so much somewhere and this does not change me, this cannot touch the essence of what i am, no matter how reckless i am when i love you.  i feel like i am back in August when i cried so hard that i couldn’t breathe and the whole everything pressed in around me until i had to let it all go and those photos fell so easily from my fingers, the pictures of him and i when we were so happy and the lake took everything away from me.  

your face in the light of the lamp, you were there and you could see me and the panic and anger was so choking that i had to run.

i had to scream.

i want to not care.  i want to not hurt.  i want to not love.

i want to

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